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Updated: June 26, 2025
MR. PUNCH, My dear Sir, You didn't get a instructiv article from my pen last week on account of my nervus sistim havin underwent a dreffle shock. I got caught in a brief shine of sun, and it utterly upsot me. I was walkin in Regent Street one day last week, enjoyin your rich black fog and bracing rains, when all at once the Sun bust out and actooally shone for nearly half an hour steady.
Which if you enjoys said privilege, you can gamble Dan an' Texas wouldn't be camped 'round yere none tonight, exposin' their ignorance an' lettin' fly croode views concernin' astronomy. That telescope actooally brings the moon plumb into Kaintucky; brings her within the reach of all. You could stretch to her with your hand, she's that clost.
He sed he was Kurnel of the Seventy Fust Regiment, Her Magisty's troops. I told him I hoped the Seventy Onesters was in good helth, and was passin by when he ceased hold of me agin, and sed in a tone of indigent cirprise: "What? Impossible! It kannot be! Blarst my hize, sir, did I understan you to say that you was actooally goin into the presents of his Royal Iniss?"
"But 'Doby an' Billy don't actooally make no assignment, nor go into what you-all Eastern sharps calls liquidation. The two goes on an' works their claims together, an' the firm name still waves as 'Doby Dawson an' Copper Queen Billy Rudd, only Billy won't go into 'Doby's new wickeyup where he's got Manuela, not a foot.
But I know as you won't believe me, nor I don't ax any man to, no, not if I went down on my bended marrer-bones " "But I do believe you," said Barnabas. "What you do?" cried the landlord, almost reproachfully. "Certainly! A Duchess is, sometimes, almost human." "But you actooally believe me?" "Yes." "Well you surprise me, sir! Ale! A Duchess! In a tankard! No, it aren't nat'ral.
We-alls has him on one round-up, an' it's cl'ar from the jump he ain't meant by Providence for the cattle business. The meekest bronco in the bunch bucks him off; an' actooally he's that timid he's plumb afraid of ponies an' cattle both. "We-alls fixes Slim Jim's saddle with buckin'-straps; an' even fastens a roll of blankets across the saddle-horn; but it ain't enough.
He turns faro in the Red Light; an', continues Texas, a-lowerin' of his voice, 'he's as squar' a gent as ever counted a deck. Actooally, pard, you might not think it, but all that gent knows about settin' up kyards, or dealin' double, or anv sech sinful scheme, is mere tradition. "'Brother, says the female, bristlin' up an' tacklin' the black- coat gent, 'don't talk to them persons no more.
"You see," he continued, "I can't make out nohow what the electricity does when it gits through the cable from Ireland to Noofun'land. Of course it don't actooally speak, you know no more does it whistle, I suppose; an' even if it did I don't see as we'd be much the wiser. What do it do, Mr Wright?
"`Yes, says he; `an' see here. "Wi' that he opens a bag he had on his back an' showed me a lot o' birds, big an' small, that he'd been shootin'; an' then he pulls out a small book, in which he'd been makin' picturs of 'em an' r'ally I was raither took wi' that for the critter had got 'em down there almost as good as natur'. They actooally looked as if they was alive!
He won't assay two ounces of sense to the ton, Willyum won't; an' he ain't worth powder an' fuse to work him. Actooally, that pore imbecile baby Willyum, don't know his own father. "Which the rage of 'Doby is beyond bounds complete. For about half a minute him an' Billy froths an' cusses each other out scand'lous, an' then comes the guns.
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