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"What's he want with so much money, do you know?" The Colonel limped forward very painfully, placed one hand upon Acres's shoulder, ogled Prim's door, and whispered: "There are only two things in this world more expensive than women and wine, Mabel: politics and piety." "You ought to be able to economize on piety," Acres retorted.
I'm a goner, sure!" His courage did not ooze out of his fingers, like the historic Bob Acres's; it vanished like gas from a rent balloon. He clasped his hands and tried to think of some prayer. "Now I lay me," he murmured. "Shan't we shoot the varmint?" said one of the Rebels, with a motion of his gun in harmony with that idea. "O, mister mister GOOD mister, DON'T! PLEASE don't!
His door closed as gently as a feather blown in the wind, and the next moment Prim had seized his 'phone. "Two-five-six! yes, Acres's store! What? Not in? Well, damn him!" he muttered, as he rattled the receiver and began again. "Give me the National Bank, Central! What? The number? You know the number! yes, five-two-four! What? Bank closed? I don't give a hang if it is. Coleman's in his office.
Upon Mrs. Malaprop's quotation from Shakspeare, "Hesperian curls," &c. he writes, "overdone fitter for farce than comedy." Acres's classification of oaths, "This we call the oath referential," &c. he pronounces to be "very good, but above the speaker's capacity."
Presently the curtain rolled up, and the audience applauded encouragingly as three quaking six-footers, clad in buckskin, made their first bow before the footlights. I have said that Will did not know a line of his part, nor did he when the time to make his opening speech arrived. It had been faithfully memorized, but oozed from his mind like the courage from Bob Acres's finger-tips.
Thank God, we've won by a majority of 633! You are now a voter in Jordan County!" He hung up the receiver and ran out to Acres's store. At the same moment Sam Briggs, who was now a diligent clerk in Judge Regis's outer office, thrust the door open and shouted: "They're in, Judge, by a good 633 majority!" "All right, Briggs! finish that list of election expenses.
With the probable approach of the event, my ardour, like Acres's courage, "oozed away;" and the prospect of such a visitation, whilst exposed on the Box, became the reverse of pleasant. In this uncertainty I resolved to consult our driver's experience; so, coming boldly to the point, demanded, "I say, driver, do you calculate that we shall be caught in a hurricane?"
But when I am in her presence my superiority, like Bob Acres's valour, oozes out through my finger-tips; I become a besotted idiot; the sense and the sight and the sound of her overpower me; I proclaim her rich and remarkable personality; and I bask in her lazy smiles like any silly undergraduate whose knowledge of women has hitherto been limited to his sisters and the common little girl at the tobacconist's.
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