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Updated: May 7, 2025
He niver asked his frinds into the parlor befure. They used to set in th' dining-room; an', whin Mrs. Donahue coughed at iliven o'clock, they'd toddle out th' side dure with their hats in their hands. But this here night, whether 'twas that Donahue had taken on a dhrink or two too much or not, he asked thim all in th' front room, where Mrs. Donahue was settin' with Molly.
I niver cud make use iv what I larned in colledge about thrigojoomethry an' an' grammar an' th' welts I got on th' skull fr'm the schoolmasther's cane I have nivver been able to turn to anny account in th' business, but 'twas th' bein' there and havin' to get things to heart without askin' th' meanin' iv thim an' goin' to school cold an' comin' home hungry, that made th' man iv me ye see befure ye."
Thin they wint up to Pekin, set fire to th' town, an' stole ivry thing in sight. I just got out iv th' back dure in time to escape a jab in th' spine fr'm a German that I niver see befure.
He must go into th' church. Befure he's baptized too, d'ye mind.
'Ye'er wet through, he says. "Whin I woke up this mornin', th' pothry had all disappeared, an' I begun to think th' las' hot wan I took had somethin' wrong with it. Besides, th' lumbago was grippin' me till I cud hardly put wan foot befure th' other.
"Th' nex' day th' army moved on Punch; an' Gin'ral Miles marched into th' ill-fated city, preceded be flower-girls sthrewin' r-roses an' geranyums befure him. In th' afthernoon they was a lawn tinnis party, an' at night the gin'ral attinded a banket at th' Gran' Palace Hotel. At midnight he was serenaded be th' Raymimber th' Maine Banjo an' Mandolin Club.
If he gets me, he must get me quick. Th' nex' night about dusk he come saunterin' up th' sthreet, swingin' his club an' jokin with his frind, whin some wan shouted, 'Look out, Clancy. He was not quick enough. He died face forward, with his hands on his belt; an' befure all th' wurruld Jack Carey come across th' sthreet, an' put another ball in his head.
As we sthrolled through th' bullyvard, I saw a man that looked like a German dhrivin' a cab. I was overcome with terror. I ran madly home, followed be Guns. It was a week befure I cud hold a glass iv obsceenthe without spillin' th' liquor. I will detain th' coort not longer thin a day while I give me opinyon on this marvellous performance.
Lave us go an' see our lawyers. 'Tis 'Haul away on th' writ iv ne exeat, an' 'Let go th' peak capias. 'Tis 'Pipe all hands to th' Supreme Coort. 'Tis 'A life on th' boundin' docket an' a home on th' rowlin' calendar. Befure we die, Sir Lipton'll come over here f'r that Cup again an' we'll bate him be gettin' out an overnight injunction.
'This here arrangement between Germany an' Ireland has got to be brought down to th' Sixth Wa-ard, I says. 'Do ye f'rgive th' way we done ye in th' beer rites? I says. 'I do, says he. 'They was befure me time. 'Well, says I, 'are ye sure ye can get over th' whalin' ye got whin th' Sarsfield Fife an' Dhrum Corpse met th' Frederick Willum Picnic Band? I says. 'I do, says he.
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