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Updated: June 4, 2025
'Vith the bills for the lease, and that, there's eleven hundred and eighty pound here. Now, Samivel, my boy, turn the horses' heads to the George and Wulter! Mr.
Winifred's, or the World of School. By gum! That reminds me we owe the Lower Third one for assaultin' Beetle when he chivied Manders minor. Come on! It's an alibi, Samivel; and, besides, if we let 'em off they'll be worse next time." The Lower Third had set a guard upon their form-room for the space of a full hour, which to a boy is a lifetime.
I can't escape from old associations. Oysters stare me in the face wherever I go. They're fash'nable, Samivel, and it's about the only think in fash'n as I reg'larly likes. The old ooman, or madame, as she calls herself, was on hand to receive but I was out of the way. She was mightily flustered, for she know'd I could talk a little Dutch, and she wanted me for to interpret with the Hungry'uns.
"If you ever feel disposed, Samivel, to go a-marryin' anybody, no matter who, just you shut yourself up in your own room, if you've got one, and pison yourself off-hand," such was the sententious advice of the elder Weller, as recorded by Charles Dickens in the immortal pages of the Pickwick Papers; and investigation will show that in all literatures, from the earliest times, similar warnings have been uttered to men who contemplated matrimony.
'It oughtn't to be, Samivel, said Mr. Weller gravely. 'It mustn't be, said Sam. 'Cert'nly not, said Mr. Weller. 'Vell now, said Sam, 'you've been a-prophecyin' away, wery fine, like a red-faced Nixon, as the sixpenny books gives picters on. 'Who wos he, Sammy? inquired Mr. Weller.
'Keep quiet, do, said Sam, 'there never vos such a old picter-card born. Wot are you bustin' vith, now? 'Sammy, said Mr. Weller, wiping his forehead, 'I'm afeerd that vun o' these days I shall laugh myself into a appleplexy, my boy. 'Vell, then, wot do you do it for? said Sam. 'Now, then, wot have you got to say? 'Who do you think's come here with me, Samivel? said Mr.
'Samivel Veller, sir, said the old gentleman, 'has conferred upon me the ancient title o' grandfather vich had long laid dormouse, and wos s'posed to be nearly hex-tinct in our family. Sammy, relate a anecdote o' vun o' them boys, that 'ere little anecdote about young Tony sayin' as he WOULD smoke a pipe unbeknown to his mother.
'Wot are you goin' away for? demanded Sam, seizing his father by the coat-tail. 'I never see such a undootiful boy as you, Samivel, returned Mr. Weller. 'Didn't you make a solemn promise, amountin' almost to a speeches o' wow, that you'd put that 'ere qvestion on my account?
The fairest of the female race To Ilium vent vith Priam's boy; So the best oysters that I see Are sent by railroad off to Troy. Well, and 'ows bizness, Samivel? You've got a good stand, and you're bound to succeed. But beware of the Cracker-Fiend. I'll tell you about him. There vas a chap as used to patronize me that vas one of the hungriest customers you ever did see.
Weller, gravely, 'a member o' this associashun bein' one o' that 'ere tender sex which is now immedetly referred to, I have to rekvest that you vill make no reflections. 'I ain't a makin' any, am I? inquired Sam. 'Order, sir! rejoined Mr. Weller, with severe dignity. Then, sinking the chairman in the father, he added, in his usual tone of voice: 'Samivel, drive on!
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