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Updated: May 3, 2025
What I wud do if I was Buller, an' I thank Hivin I'm not, wud be move me ar-rmy in half-an-hour over th' high but aisily accessible mountains to th' right iv Crowrijoy's forces, an' takin' off me shoes so he cudden't hear thim squeak, creep up behind th' Dutch an' lam their heads off.
He had some houses near Halsted Sthreet, an' I've see him servin' five days' notices on his tenants whin' th' weather was that cold ye cudden't see th' inside iv th' furnace-rooms at th' mill f'r th' frost on th' window. Of all th' landlords on earth, th' Lord deliver me fr'm an' Irish wan.
Bein' a busy an' fashn'able woman she cudden't raymimber his name. At times she called him 'Frank' an' thin 'Fronzwah' an' 'Fritz' an' 'Ferdynand' 'twas a name beginnin' with 'f' she knew that but he f'rgive her an' ast somewan to r-read to him. 'What shall it be? says a gin'ral. 'R-read about th' time I was christened, says th' boy.
'I cudden't, he says, 'I cudden't stay in Wash'nton, he says, 'with you so far away, he says, 'where I cudden't watch ye, he says. 'Ye're th' on'y man in th' wurruld I care f'r, he says, 'but mesilf. he says. 'An', he says, 'I'd fall weepin' on ye'er shoulder this minyit, he says; 'but I don't want to be disrayspectful be turnin' me back on Misther Hanna, he says.
He cudden't abide Cassidy afther he heerd he was a dayscinded fr'm th' kings iv Connock, though Cassidy was what ye call a prolotoorio or a talkin' workin'man. An' th' wan king he hated above all others was th' king iv Scholizwig-Holstein, which was th' barbarous counthry he come fr'm.
What boats we cudden't r-run ashore we surrindered, he says. 'I cannot write no more, he says, 'as me coat-tails are afire, he says; 'an' I am bravely but rapidly leapin' fr'm wan vessel to another, followed be me valiant crew with a fire-engine, he says. 'If I can save me coat-tails, he says, 'they'll be no kick comin', he says. 'Long live Spain, long live mesilf.
I got an eight-year-old boy, an' if he cudden't take a baseball club an' go in an' bate that Spanish fleet into junk in twinty minyits I'd call him Alger an' thrade him off f'r a bicycle, he says. 'I guess that's r-right. They say he was a purty tough man befure he left Wash'n'ton. 'Sure he was.
He very often played with th' Sicrety iv th' Navy, an' ivry wan that come to th' White House f'r a job loved him. "But wan day Goold Bonds begun to look bad. He cudden't ate th' r-rich crame out iv th' di'mon'-studded saucer. He stopped castin' an eye at th' c'nary in th' cage. Whin th' Sicrety iv th' Navy wint down f'r to play with him, Goold Bonds spit at that good an' gr-reat man.
I cudden't stand it no longer, so I wint down town to-night, down be Shekel an' Whooper's place, an' bought these things. This is a fine doll f'r th' money." "It is," said Mr. Dooley, taking the doll and examining it with the eye of an art critic. "It closes its eyes, yis, an', bedad, it cries if ye punch it. They're makin' these things more like human bein's ivry year.
"I'll explain it to ye," said Mr. Dooley. "'Tis this way. Ye see, this here Sagasta is a boonco steerer like Canada Bill, an' th' likes iv him. A smart man is this Sagasta, an' wan that can put a crimp in th' ca-ards that ye cudden't take out with a washerwoman's wringer. He's been through manny a ha-ard game.
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