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He fancied that everybody was looking at him compassionately as he made his solitary way through the crowd, and almost gave way to self-pity. He would have liked to talk to the first comer, for the mere pleasure of hearing his voice, for in his loneliness he felt as if he were walking by the side of a stranger. And now his conscience smote him.
Are you against me too?" in a voice vibrating with reproach and self-pity. "Now, look here, William Van Beuren; your guests did shoot woodcock on Mrs. Ascott's land " "They're migratory birds, confound it!" " And," continued Malcourt, paying no attention to the interruption, "you did build that fool dam regardless of my advice; and you first left her cattle waterless, then drowned her sheep "
The tears were now mixed drops of pity for her absent lover and her family; she was already disunited from him when she shed them, feeling that she was dry rock to herself, heartless as many bosoms drained of self-pity will become. Incapable of that any further, she leaned still in that direction and had a languid willingness to gain outward comfort.
When tormenting thoughts, thoughts of fear, thoughts of unjust deeds of others done to you, thoughts of self-pity, anxiety, doubts, unforgiveness, mistrust of God, or evil of all kinds appear to take up your thoughts, just resist them and point to the blood on the door of your heart. Those thoughts will have to flee.
Yet he despised himself as a huge baby, because there was a half conscious feeling of self-pity, a consciousness of injustice, of being beaten. Then he was lame from, over-exertion, and his heart was sore, and he had to leave his mother and Ed and George. Would it have been better to remain a day or two and meet Julia?
And this surrender was early followed by weakness of her disused body. She also surrendered to the weakness of self-pity, that craven mocker of self-respect. She was not a will-less girl, but life had brought her small chance to develop that will which masters, while wilfulness, that will which demands selfishly for self, grew out of the soil so largely of her mother's preparing.
Self-pity, dignity, and inherent self-respect struggled against her woman's desire to give; an inherited racial pride whispered that she was worthy of the best, but because she had lacked the chance, he refrained from offering her what he would have laid at the feet of another woman. "I'll give you advantages there's nothing I wouldn't give you. Why won't you come to me? I'll take care of you."
To the best of my belief, I never saw or heard of him before in my life. My interest lies with another person. You have lost a great friend, I know. If you felt disposed to tell me the whole story, it might make such a difference." She sighed. Her confidence was returning also her self-pity. The latter at once betrayed itself.
The picture of what he would have escaped had he mounted the stairs a minute later, of what he had brought on himself by mounting a moment earlier, was too much for him. Not a thought did he give to what might have happened to her had he come on the scene later; but, with all his cowardly soul laid bare, he rocked himself to and fro in a paroxysm of self-pity.
And it was with indignation and self-pity that I climbed out in the hot sun at last beside the driver and small Billy. "I know this road," piped Billy, on the box "'I camped here with father when mother was off that time. You can take a left-hand trail by those cottonwoods and strike the mountains." So I inquired what game he had then shot. "Ah, just a sage-hen.
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