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Updated: September 29, 2025
Saccharissa, more over-dressed than usual, and her cousin Mellasys Plickaman, somewhat unsteady with inebriation, stood before him. He was pronouncing them man and wife, why not ogre and hag? How fortunate was my escape! As my negro guide would not listen to my proposal to set the Mellasys establishment on fire while the inmates slept, I followed him to the banks of the Bayou.
Beneath it a sugar-kettle filled with ebullient tar was standing. My persecutors, with tranquil brutality, proceeded to disrobe me. As my nether garments were removed, Mellasys Plickaman succeeded in persuading Saccharissa to retire. She, however, took her station at a window and peered through the blinds at the spectacle. I do not envy her sensations.
"I haven't a card; but Mellasys is my name, and I'll show it to you written on the hotel-books." "We will waive that ceremony," said I. "And allow me to welcome you to Newport and the Millard. Shall we enjoy the breeze upon the piazza?" Before our second cigar was smoked, the great planter and I were on the friendliest terms. My political sentiments he found precisely in accord with his own.
"You think that buyin' and sellin' 'em is just the same as ownin' 'em?" "I do." "Your hand!" said he, fervently. "Mr. Mellasys," said I, "let me take this opportunity to lay down my platform, allow me the playful expression. Meeting a gentleman of your intelligence from the sunny South, I desire to express my sentiments as a Christian and a gentleman."
I have no doubt that I should have strangled my late fiancée, if such an act had been consistent with my personal safety. When I was completely cottoned, in the decorative manner I have described, Mellasys took a banjo from an old negro, and, striking it, not without a certain unsophisticated and barbaric grace appropriate to the instrument, commanded me to dance. I essayed to do so.
At the same time I presented my case filled with choice Cabañas, smuggled. My limited means oblige me to employ these judicious economies. Mr. Mellasys took a cigar, lighted, whiffed, looked at me, whiffed again, "Sir," says he, "dashed if that a'n't the best cigar I've smoked sence I quit Bayou La Farouche!"
But to the last, these chivalric, but prejudiced and misguided gentlemen declined to listen to my explanations. Mellasys Plickaman had completely perverted their judgments against me. The last object I saw was Saccharissa, looking more like a Hottentot Venus than ever, waving her handkerchief and kissing her hand to me. Did she repent her brief disloyalty?
Then they would recline under the shade of the wild bandanna-tree, I know this vegetable only through the artless poetry of the negro minstrels, while sleek and sprightly negresses, decked with innocent finery, served them beakers of iced eau sucré. As I was shaping this Arcadian vision, Mr. Mellasys passed me on his way to the bar-room. I hastened to follow, without the appearance of intention.
As my conduct during the Mellasys affair has been maligned and scoffed at by persons of crude views of what is comme il faut, I have drawn up this statement, confident that it will justify me to all of my order, which I need not state is distinctively that of the Aristocrat and the Gentleman.
For a moment I thought so, and resolved to lie in wait, return by night, and urge her to fly with me. But while I hesitated, Mellasys Plickaman drew near her. She threw herself into his arms, and there, before all the Committee of Fire-Eaters of Bayou La Farouche, she kissed him with those amorphous lips I had often compelled myself to taste. Faugh!
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