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Updated: July 18, 2025
"The passenger traffic, the prospectus says, will be enormous," answered Stagman; "and the minerals along the line are of course inexhaustible." "But tell me, neighbour, is this same mode of travel as pleasant for the wayfarers as thou sayest?" "Exceedingly pleasant for the survivors," answered Stagman.
"So much the better for thee," answered Stagman gravely. "But, neighbour, how do you contrive to carry your road through other men's grounds?" said Scapegrace. "We promise to share the profits with them," said Stagman, "and so keep them quiet; or put them on the Provisional Committee, with power to audit their own accounts.
And when the men of the Fair saw that Premium was gone, and that Stagman had fled as Discount drew nigh, they seized upon Scapegrace, and began to flout him, at first with fair words and pretences, but at last more rudely and openly. "So, friend!" cried one, "you will buy nothing of us, it seems? Mayhap you have something to sell."
"The Slough of Despond, quotha!" cried Stagman; "a certain man, called in the vulgar tongue a Contractor, undertakes to fill it up, and to lay a double line of rails, with sidings, across it in a fortnight." "Truly, we live in strange times, neighbour," said Scrapegrace. "But then the HILL OF DIFFICULTY?"
"We go slap across it in the twinkling of a bedpost, by a handsome viaduct of thirty arches on the skew principle," said Stagman. "Lo, you now!" said Scapegrace, marvelling "Surely, however, the road is rugged and hilly?" "Thou wouldst say, the gradients are bad; not so, there is none worse than one in the hundred quite as good as the Caledonian." "I know not that road," said Scrapegrace.
"Know then," said Stagman, "that of late all the world have gone crazed after a new fashion of travelling, or rather flying, discovered by Mr Ironman, by means of which the traveller reacheth his journey's end ere he well knoweth that he hath begun it, smoking his pipe, or reading the newspaper all the way, as he skimmeth along over hills and valleys, sloughs and morasses."
"Nay, not so fast, friend," replied Stagman; "matters have gone better with me of late than thou wouldst suppose; and perchance, if thou wilt listen to me, I can put thee on a way to get quit of this thy burden! or, if thou wouldst rather do as I do, to fill thy pockets, keep thy burden still, and yet dance under it as lightly as if it were no burden at all."
After a time said Stagman "Since thou will not take Interpreter with thee, there is but one further advice which I can give. Not far from Vanity Fair dwelleth a certain man, called PREMIUM; but his house is not easily found, for he liveth next door to Discount, and many strangers, thinking to find the one, have landed at the door of the other.
Bail, as thou knowest, I can find none; for Easyman, who stood surety for me aforetime, is bankrupt, and thou, Stagman, hast not a penny in thy purse if thou wert ever so much inclined to befriend me."
"Is no difficulty after all," interrupted Stagman; "we pass right through the centre of it by a tunnel in two minutes, so that you need never know there was a hill there. The strata are all clay and sandstone, exceeding well fitted for boring." "Then the VALLEY OF HUMILIATION, and the road which leads there-through?" asked Scapegrace.
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