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Updated: May 26, 2025
Well, how could I, with all my gifts, make any valuable preparation against a near-sighted, cross-eyed, pudding-headed clown who would aim himself at the wrong tree and hit the right one? And that is what he did. He went for the wrong tree, which was, of course, the right one by mistake, and up he started. Matters were serious now. We remained still, and awaited developments.
My brother Tom, a thick-skulled, pudding-headed dog, that had no taste for anything save his dinner, took it into his wise head one morning that he would go into the army, and although I had been originally destined for a soldier, no sooner was his choice made than all regard for my taste and inclination was forgotten; and as the family interest was only enough for one, it was decided that I should be put in what is called a 'learned profession, and let push my fortune.
Fat and red-faced and pudding-headed was Father Higgins; uncommonly in the way of good eating, and now and then disposed for good drinking; as lazy as he dared be, ignorant enough for a hermit, and simple enough for a monk.
If any of the following whales, shall hereafter be caught and marked, then he can readily be incorporated into this System, according to his Folio, Octavo, or Duodecimo magnitude: The Bottle-Nose Whale; the Junk Whale; the Pudding-Headed Whale; the Cape Whale; the Leading Whale; the Cannon Whale; the Scragg Whale; the Coppered Whale; the Elephant Whale; the Iceberg Whale; the Quog Whale; the Blue Whale; etc.
'Do you stay long in this part of the world? asked he, as at last he succeeded, and commenced tapping the corners of the card on the table. 'I really don't know, replied Mr. Sponge, as the particulars of his situation flashed across his mind. Could this pudding-headed man be a chap Puffington had got to come and sound him, thought he.
Before night, however, he began to feel his real punishment and next morning no one would have known the pudding-headed thing that sadly followed the hunters, for the bright little dog that a day before had run so joyously through the woods.
"No; leave it to him, he doesn't like interference." "No, sir, orficers don't, and it is their natur' to. But I say, sir, what a murder! what a wrench I give my shoulder." "How?" "Hitting one o' them pudding-headed Teapots, sir. Didn't hurt my knuckles, because his head was soft. Just like punching a bladder o' lard, but the weight on him wrenched the jynte."
As I did so, I heard the shutters on the far side of the coach let down, and a voice demanding the reason of the delay. "The pudding-headed scut cannot find the key, sir." I laughed inwardly at this foolish threat. The gate was a stout barrier, that would do more damage than it could receive from any attempt of theirs. "Bring out the key, rascal," roared the postilion again.
He had got the lad a pudding-headed fellow by the ear and was saying, "What? Lost again smothered o' wit." Another time I remember hearing him call the village rat-catcher by saying, "Come hither, thou three-days-and-three-nights, thou," alluding, as I afterwards learned, to the rat-catcher's periods of intoxication; but I will tell no more of such trifles.
How, in the name of wonder! could your uncle Toby, who, it seems, was a military man, and whom you have represented as no fool, be at the same time such a confused, pudding-headed, muddle-headed, fellow, as Go look. So, Sir Critick, I could have replied; but I scorn it.
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