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Updated: June 2, 2025
Ye niver know whin they're goin' to take place or what they'll be about. Profissor Eliot may pass ye on'y to have Profissor Hinnissy turn ye down. But there's wan sure thing ye'll be grajiated. Ye'll get th' usual diploma. Ye'll grajiate not because iv annything ye've done, but because ye'er room is needed. 'I like th' old place, says ye. 'An' I'm just beginnin' to larn, says ye.
Now, sir, maybe you'll have Latin for throwsers agin, or by my sowl, if you don't, you must peel, and I'll tache you what a Profissor of Humanity is! "Dan Roe, you little starved-looking spalpeen, will you come up to your Elocution? and a purty figure you cut at it, wid a voice like a penny thrumpet, Dan! Well, what speech have you got now, Dan, ma bouchal.
Niver in me life have I made a specialty av cats, long-haired or short-haired, an' I do not be pretindin' t' be a profissor av cats, but 'tis me sittled belief that whin a cat is as dead as that wan is it stops eatin'." He looked resentfully at the cat in the box. "I wonder sh'u'd I put th' late laminted out on th' back porrch till th' veterinary comes t' take its pulse?
"'But, says th' lawyer f'r th' State, 'measurin' th' vat with gas, an' I lave it to ye whether this is not th' on'y fair test, an' supposin' that two feet acrost is akel to tin feet sideways, an' supposin' that a thick green an' hard substance, an' I daresay it wud; an' supposin' you may, takin' into account th' measuremints, twelve be eight, th' vat bein' wound with twine six inches fr'm th' handle an' a rub iv th' green, thin ar-re not human teeth often found in counthry sausage? 'In th' winter, says th' profissor.
'Now, boys, says th' profissor, 'all together. 'Rickety, co-ex, co-ex, hullabaloo, bozoo, bozoo, Harvard, says th' lads. I was that proud iv me belovid counthry that I wanted to take off me hat there an' thin an' give th' colledge yell iv th' Ar- rchey road reform school. But I was resthrained be a frind iv mine that I met comin' over.
I don't agree with Uncle Joe Cannon, who says it is trashy. It is light, perhaps even frivolous. But it has gr-reat merit. I can't think iv annything that wud be more agreeable thin lyin' in a hammock, with a glass iv somethin' in ye'er hand on a hot day an' readin' this little jim iv pure English an' havin' a profissor fr'm colledge within aisy call to tell ye what it all meant.
'Tis in th' fam'ly to make their names. There niver was anny fam'ly in th' ol' counthry that turned out more priests than th' Dooleys. By gar, I believe we hol' th' champeenship iv th' wurruld. At M'nooth th' profissor that called th' roll got so fr'm namin' th' Dooley la-ads that he came near bein' tur-rned down on th' cha-arge that he was whistlin' at vespers.
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