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A marrid man's a person with a limited affection a protictionist an' anti-expansionist, a mugwump, be hivins. 'Tis th' bachelor that's keepin' alive th' rivrince f'r th' sect. "Whin I was a young man, ye cud search fr'm wan end iv th' town to th' other f'r me akel with th' ladies. Ye niver see me in them days, but 'twas me had a rogue's eye an' a leg far beyant th' common r-run iv props.
He ran a little conthractin' business down be Halsted Sthreet 'Twas him built th' big shed f'r th' ice comp'ny. He was a fine man an' a sthrong wan. He begun his political career be lickin' a plasthrer be th' name iv Egan, a man that had th' County Clare thrip an' was thought to be th' akel iv anny man in town.
'Hinnissy, I says, 'they'se no crime in th' catalogue akel to bein' old, I says. 'Th' nearest thing to it, I says, 'is bein' a fool, I says; 'an' ye're both, I says." "Jawn," said Mr. Dooley, "did ye iver hear th' puzzle whin a woman's not a woman?" "Faith, I have," said Mr. McKenna. "When I was a kid, I knew the answer." "Ye didn't know this answer," said Mr. Dooley.
Lady an' Gintlemen, prisoner at th' bar, freeman that ought to be there, lawyers, gin'rals, ex-prisidents, former mimbers iv th' cabinet, an' you, me gin'rous confreres iv th' wurruld's press, I come fr'm a land where injustice is unknown, where ivry man is akel befure th' law, but some are betther thin others behind it, where th' accused always has a fair thrile ayether, I says, 'in th' criminal coort or at th' coroner's inquest, I says.
Me good an' great frind fr'm Rhode Island has made me th' akel iv anny Chink that iver rolled a pill. Th' tariff bill wudden't be complete without that there item. But it ought to read: 'Opyum f'r smokin' while readin' th' tariff bill. Ye can take this sterlin' piece iv lithrachoor to a bunk with ye an' light a ball iv hop.
They were a wondherful little people. How they had diviloped! Nawthin' in th' histhry iv th' wurruld was akel to th' way they'd come up. They cud shoot straighter an' oftener thin anny other nation. A Jap cud march three hundred miles a day f'r eight days with nawthin' to eat. They were highly civvylized. It was an old civvylization but not tainted be age.
'Tis full iv action an' romance. I haven't read annythink to akel it since I used to get th' Dead-wood Dick series. "I'm in favor iv havin' it read on th' Foorth iv July instead iv th' declaration iv indypindance.
There are two halves to ivry dollar. Wan is knowin' how to make it an' th' other is not knowin' how to spend it comfortably. Whin I hear iv a man with gr-reat business capacity I know he's got an akel amount iv spending incapacity. No matter how much he knew about business he wuddent be rich if he wasn't totally ignorant iv a science that we have developed as far as our means will allow.
"'But, says th' lawyer f'r th' State, 'measurin' th' vat with gas, an' I lave it to ye whether this is not th' on'y fair test, an' supposin' that two feet acrost is akel to tin feet sideways, an' supposin' that a thick green an' hard substance, an' I daresay it wud; an' supposin' you may, takin' into account th' measuremints, twelve be eight, th' vat bein' wound with twine six inches fr'm th' handle an' a rub iv th' green, thin ar-re not human teeth often found in counthry sausage? 'In th' winter, says th' profissor.
I don't mean anny disrespect to th' coort or th' bar, but if ye gintlemen had half as much good brains in ye'er head as he has, ye'd not be wastin' ye'er time here. There ain't a man in this counthry th' akel iv this gr-reat man. Talk about Dan'l Webster, he was an idyut compared with this joynt intelleck.
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