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Updated: July 13, 2025
Sure in th' prisint state iv th' mathrimonyal market, as Hogan calls it, whin he goes down to coort th' rich Widow O'Brien, th' la-ad that wants to engage in interprises iv that sort ought to have a frind in ivry wan but th' men that keeps imploymint agencies. "But no.
Thin wan cap'n'd kick th' ball, an' all our side'd r-run at it an' kick it back; an' thin wan iv th' other side'd kick it to us, an' afther awhile th' game'd get so timpischous that all th' la-ads iv both sides'd be in wan pile, kickin' away at wan or th' other or at th' ball or at th' impire, who was mos'ly a la-ad that cudden't play an' that come out less able to play thin he was whin he wint in.
"An' sure enough it looked good f'r awhile, an' th' time come whin th' occas'nal dollar bill that wint acrost this bar on pay night wasn't good money onless it had th' name iv th' naygur on it. In thim days they was a young la-ad a frind iv wan iv th' Donohue boys that wint to th' public school up beyant, an' he was as bright a la-ad as ye'd want to see in a day's walk.
That was where he come in. An' he took th' money an' carrid it over to a cor-rner iv th' gr-rounds where a la-ad had wan iv thim matcheens where ye pay tin cints f'r th' privilege iv seein' how har-rd ye can hit with a sledge-hammer, an' there he stayed till th' polis come ar-round to dhrive people off th' gr-rounds." "Well," Mr. Hennessy asked, "how goes th' war?" "Splendid, thank ye," said Mr.
Dooley, "he might be dhrunk." "Well, sir, I guess I'm not up on etiket," said Mr. Dooley. "How's that?" demanded Mr. Hennessy. "I've been readin' about Willum Waldorf Asthor," replied Mr. Dooley, "an' th' throuble he had with a la-ad that bummed his way into his party. Ye see, Hinnissy, Willum Waldorf Asthor give a party at his large an' commodjious house in London.
"Has it ter do wid Misther Robert?" "Him and others." "Who is th' others?" the old man persisted. "That's my affair. 'Tis confidential, I tell you." "Not wid me, Jimmie," Riley begged; "not when I've watched over Misther Robert iver sence he was a little la-ad, not wid me when I've brought ye up fr'm a howlin' little brat.
Dooley, "an' that was a long time ago, but not so long ago as manny iv me inimies'd like to believe, if I had anny inimies, I played futball, but 'twas not th' futball I see whin th' Brothers' school an' th' Saint Aloysius Tigers played las' week on th' pee-raries. "Whin I was a la-ad, iv a Sundah afthernoon we'd get out in th' field where th' oats'd been cut away, an' we'd choose up sides.
'Whose fun'ral ar-re ye goin' to at this hour? 'None but thim I makes mesilf, says he. 'What d'ye mean? says th' ol' man. 'I'm goin' over f'r to stand guard in th' thracks, says th' la-ad. Well, with that th' ol' man leaps up. 'Polisman, he says. 'Polisman, he says. 'Copper, he says. 'Twas on'y be Mrs.
An' he buys himsilf a map made be a fortune teller in a dhream, a box iv pencils an' a field glass, an' goes an' looks f'r a job as a war expert. Says th' editor iv th' pa-aper: 'I don't know ye. Ye must be a war expert, he says. 'I am, says th' la-ad. 'Was ye iver in a war? says th' editor. 'I've been in nawthin' else, says th' la-ad.
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