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Updated: May 27, 2025
"Truly, sir, I see you are a Christian gentleman, as well as a soldier; and I have no doubt you were moved to this kind act by a knowledge that it would be inhuman to prolong the agonies of these unfortunate men-" "You have hit it exactly, general!" interrupted Broadbottom.
"Get hot water and tumblers Father Pettier is starved after his long ride such a night, and must have a tumbler of punch to warm him, poor fellow, and I am going to keep him in countenance; and see, Katty, bring the poteen that's in Ould Broadbottom, at the right-hand side o' the cubbard. Stir the fire a little, Pettier, and throw on a sod or two it's getting dull."
When they had travelled many miles, displaying great courage under all sorts of trials, the general suddenly discovered that he had lost his secretary, which sad misfortune he began to bewail in right good earnest. "I would have you know, Broadbottom," said he, addressing his second in command, "that the success of our undertaking will be hazarded without him, for he is a man of great learning."
"Now, to my horse!" he exclaimed, "for I take it no man can command an army unless he be mounted." Broadbottom, who was a stalwarth Mississippian, and withal as great a wag as could be found in that state of wags, affected great concern lest the battle be lost for want of speedy action on the part of the commander-in-chief.
Luckily for us a British Censor named Baron von Ahlenfeldt, and a doctor named Casey had accompanied us, and owing to their instrumentality we were allowed better food and treatment. At the end of our detention in the quarantine camp some of our number were removed to Broadbottom Camp, while the others were quartered at Deadwood Camp.
On our way we encountered a party of our fellow-prisoners, who, having been guilty of insubordination, were being taken to the dreary fort at High Knoll for punishment. Amongst these unfortunates we recognised several friends, but were not permitted to talk to them. At sundown our destination was reached at Broadbottom Camp, which is situated under High Peak.
"Now, Broadbottom," said he, when they returned to the camp, "as the guard sent in pursuit of my secretary have returned without getting any tidings of him, and a report of this great battle is imperatively necessary, pray tell me if you have a gentleman who can perform such service?"
And now, having fully described this great battle, I beg the reader will not take it seriously to heart, for in truth it was all a joke practised upon the commander by this Broadbottom, who arranged the whole affair.
Broadbottom thereupon informed his commander that there was on the staff one General Stoneheart, a gentleman of much learning, and as good an editor as ever abused his neighbors. "And he is skilled in making such reports," said he, "for I can swear of my own knowledge, general, that he will do the thing exactly to your liking.
"As for the commander," spoke Broadbottom, "he was shot from his horse and borne from the field by his staff; but not until he had dropped a purse of gold, which I have brought you as a trophy." And with an air of great courtesy he placed the purse, which contained some twenty doubloons, in the hands of the commander, who made him a return of his thanks for such rare faithfulness.
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