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Updated: May 3, 2025
I was behaderin' round wid the gangs on the 'bankmint I've taught the hoppers how to kape step an' stop screechin' whin a head-gangman comes up to me, wid two inches av shirt-tail hanging round his neck an' a disthressful light in his oi. "Sahib," sez he, "there's a rig'mint an' a half av soldiers up at the junction, knockin' red cinders out av ivrything an' ivrybody!
Th' Spanish admiral shoots at him with a bow an' arrow, an' goes over an' writes a cable. 'This mornin' we was attackted, he says. 'An' he says, 'we fought the inimy with great courage, he says. 'Our victhry is complete, he says. 'We have lost ivrything we had, he says. 'Th' threachrous foe, he says, 'afther destroyin' us, sought refuge behind a mud-scow, he says; 'but nawthin' daunted us.
He cud talk fairly dacint about other kings, but this wan Ludwig was his name an' I seen his pitcher in th' pa-apers wanst wud throw him into a fit. He blamed ivrything that happened to Ludwig. If they was a sthrike he charged it to Ludwig.
They was no rale harm in th' poor la-ad, on'y he was lazy an' foolish an' sort iv tired like. To make a long story short, Hinnissy, his father thried ivrything f'r him, an' got nawthin. He didn't dhrink much, he cared little f'r women, he liked to play ca-ards, but not f'r money.
'We demand an answer, they says, 'or, be this an' be that, we won't do a thing to ye. Well, maybe Bill has been down to th' corner playin' a game iv spoil-five with his old frind Coalsack, an' has paid no attintion to th' Sons iv Rest. 'Well, he says, 'gintlemen, I'm in favor iv doin' ivrything in reason f'r th' hoboes, he says.
'Ye will jine th' other boys fr'm th' club at Tampa, he says. 'Ye shud be careful iv ye'er equipment, he says. 'I have almost ivrything r-ready, says Willie. 'Me man attinded to thim details, he says. 'But I fear I can't go to th' fr-ront immejetly, he says. 'Me pink silk pijammas hasn't arrived, he says. 'Well, says Mack, 'wait f'r thim, he says.
Its th' beginnin' iv ivrything. Whin ye get to th' tea grounds, ye step out, an' have ye're hat irned be th' caddie. Thin ye'er man that ye're goin' aginst comes up, an' he asks ye, 'Do you know Potther Pammer? Well, if ye don't know Potther Pammer, it's all up with ye: ye lose two points.
If ye will go on decoratin' ye'er house with shingles an' paint an' puttin' paper on th' walls an' adornin' th' inside iv it with ye'er barbaric taste f'r eight day clocks, cane bottom chairs an' karosene lamps, ye've got to settle, that's all. Ye've flaunted ye'er wealth too long in th' face iv a sturdy people. "Ye'd think th' way such as ye talk that ivrything is taxed. It ain't so.
Th' sojers who haven't gone away cud come home an' get cured iv th' measles an' th' whoopin'-cough an' th' cholera infantum befure th' public schools opens in th' fall, an' ivrything wud be peaceful an' quiet an' prosp'rous.
I was behaderin' round wid the gangs on the 'bankmint I've taught the hoppers how to kape step an' stop screechin' whin a head-gangman comes up to me, wid about two inches av shirt-tail hanging round his neck an' a disthressful light in his oi. 'Sahib, sez he, 'there's a reg'mint an' a half av soldiers up at the junction, knockin' red cinders out av ivrything an' ivrybody!
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