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Updated: May 17, 2025
Devil be in me," says he, "but I'd prove black white as fast as a horse 'ud throt wid only a good stick ov superbaton." "Faix," says the Pope, wid a sly look, "you'd need to have it backed, I judge, wid a small piece of assurance." "Well now, jist for that word," says his Riv'rence, "I'll prove it widout aither one or other. Black," says he, "is one thing and white is another thing.
"I'll make it as plain as the nose on your Holiness's face, by superbaton," says his Riv'rence. "My adversary says, black is not another color, that is white? Now that's jist a parallel passidge wid the one out ov Tartulion that me and Hayes smashed the heretics on in Clarendon Sthreet.
For unless we thrate them Fathers liberally to a handsome allowance ov thropes and figures they'd set up heresy at onc't, so they would." "It's thru for you," says the Pope; "the figures ov spache is the pillars ov the Church." "Bedad," says his Riv'rence, "I dunna what we'd do widout them at all."
"I'll hould you a pound," says the Pope, "that I've a quadhruped in my possession that's a wiser baste nor any dog in your kennel." "Done," says his Riv'rence, and they staked the money. "What can this larned quadhruped o' yours do?" says his Riv'rence.
"O, by this and by that, Misther Maguire," says the Pope, "I'll have none of your insinivations; I don't care who sees my whole household," says he; "I don't care if all the faymales undher my roof was paraded down the High Street of Room," says he. "O, it's plain to be seen how little you care who sees them," says his Riv'rence.
"Misther Maguire," says the Pope, "it's very unproper ov you to spake that way ov my housekeeper: I won't allow it, sir." "Honor bright, your Holiness," says his Riv'rence, laying his hand on his heart.
Howandiver, there's no fast on the dhrink, anyhow, glory be to God! and so, as they wor sitting, afther dinner, taking their sup together, says the Pope, says he, "Thomaus," for the Pope, you know, spakes that away, and all as one as ov uz, "Thomaus a lanna," says he, "I'm tould you welt them English heretics out ov the face." "You may say that," says his Riv'rence to him again.
"Faix, I think," says his Riv'rence, "wid all submission to the better judgment ov the learned father that your Holiness has quoted, he'd have been a thrifle nearer the thruth, if he had said that the bishop ov Rome is the grand imposther and top-sawyer in that line over us all." "What do you mane?" says the Pope, getting quite red in the face.
The Pope and indeed it ill became a good Catholic to say anything agin him no more would I, only that his Riv'rence was in it but you see the fact ov it is, that the Pope was as envious as ever he could be, at seeing himself sacked right and left by Father Tom; and bate out o' the face, the way he was, on every science and subjec' that was started.
"It's good for a beginning," says his Riv'rence; "it lays a very nate foundation for more sarious operation: but we're now arrived at a pariod ov the evening when it's time to proceed wid our shuperstructure by compass and square, like free and excipted masons as we both are." My time's up for the present; but I'll tell you the rest in the evening at home.
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