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About this time I receaved a letter from my Brother wherin hee blam'd me for acting after this manner with persons that but 2 days agoe endeavor'd to surprise me; that if I did so, hee would forsake all; that I had better disarm them for our greater security, & that I should not charge myself with any of them. It was also the judgment of the other french men, who were all exasperated against Mr.
Among others a soldier named Gant, of the 104th Ohio volunteers, presented a rebel battle-flag, which one of the officers stated to me was borne to the mouth of our cannon and planted there by a boy but seventeen years of age, who actually endeavor'd to stop the muzzle of the gun with fence-rails. He was kill'd in the effort, and the flag-staff was sever'd by a shot from one of our men. May '63.
I began to have openings leading to the ministry, which brought me under close exercise and deep travail of spirit; for although I had for some time spoken on subjects of business in monthly and preparative meetings, yet the prospe of opening my mouth in public meetings was a close trial; but I endeavor'd to keep my mind quiet and resign' d to the heavenly call, if it should be made clear to me to be my duty.
I endeavor'd also, during my stay at London, both by myself & by Friends, to try if the Gentlemen of the Company might conceave any better thoughts of me, & whether I might not by some means or other be restor'd unto their good liking; but all my endevors proved in vaine.
On the other side, I have endeavor'd to choose such fables, both ancient and modern, as contain in each of them some instructive moral; which I could prove by induction, but the way is tedious, and they leap foremost into sight, without the reader's trouble of looking after them.
In this state of doubting, I was ready to wish myself at home, from an apprehension that I should only expose myself to reproach, and wound the cause I was embark'd in; for the heavens seem'd like brass, and the earth as iron; such coldness and hardness, I thought, could scarcely have ever been experienc'd before by any creature, so great was the depth of my baptism at this time; nevertheless, as I endeavor'd to quiet my mind, in this conflicting dispensation, and be resign'd to my allotment, however distressing, towards the latter part of the meeting a ray of light broke through the surrounding darkness, in which the Shepherd of Israel was pleas'd to arise, and by the light of his glorious countenance, to scatter those clouds of opposition.
Wee endeavor'd to secure the Indians, who promis'd to loose their Lives for us; & the more to oblidge them to our side I granted them my nephew & another frenchman to goe along with them into the country to make the severall sorts of Indians to come traffick with us, & the more, to incourage them I sent presents unto the chiefest of them.
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