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Now, my dear Barnet, for a man who begins so humbly with what my friend Father Prout calls an argamantum ad misericorjam, who ignowledges that his play is bad, that his pore dear helth is bad, and those cussid critix have played the juice with him I say, for a man who beginns in such a humbill toan, it's rather RICH to see how you end.
They all acted exlently as far as my humbile judgement goes, and your write in giving them all possible prays. But let's consider the last sentence of the prefiz, my dear Barnet, and see what a pretty set of apiniuns you lay down. The critix are your inymies in this age. In the nex, however, you hope to find newmrous frends.
Your so afraid of the critix, that they damp your arder. For shame, for shame, man! What confeshns is these, what painful pewling and piping! Your not a babby. I take you to be some seven or eight and thutty years old "in the morning of youth," as the flosofer says. Don't let any such nonsince take your reazn prisoner.
"A name that glitters, like a STAR, amidst The galaxy of England's loftiest born." "And see him princeliest of the lion tribe, Whose swords and coronals gleam around the throne, The guardian STARS of the imperial isle." The fust spissymen has been going the round of all the papers, as real, reglar poatry. Those wickid critix! they must have been laffing in their sleafs when they quoted it.
Fie, man! take courage; and, bearing the terrows of your blood-red hand, as the poet says, punish us, if we've ofended you: punish us like a man, or bear your own punishment like a man. Don't try to come off with such misrabble lodgic as that above. What do you? You show that the play must be bad, and THEN begin to deal with the critix for finding folt! Was there ever wuss generalship?
Let's try and work honestly; but don't let us be prayting pompisly about our "sacred calling." Well; after this acknollitchmint that the play is bad, come sefral pages of attack on the critix, and the folt those gentry have found with it. With these I shan't middle for the presnt. You defend all the characters 1 by 1, and conclude your remarks as follows:
A play, you see, is public property for every one to say his say on; and I think, if you read your prefez over agin, you'll see that it ax as a direct incouridgment to us critix to come forrard and notice you. But don't fansy, I besitch you, that we are actiated by hostillaty; fust write a good play, and you'll see we'll prays it fast enuff.
You may vow that they are fools; or that the critix are your enemies; or that the wuld should judge your poams by your critticle rules, and not their own: you may beat your breast, and vow you are a marter, and you won't mend the matter. Take heart, man! you're not so misrabble after all: your spirits need not be so VERY cast down; you are not so VERY badly paid.
Think of the critix fixing on the very pint for which you are famus! the roags! And spose they had said the plot was absudd, or the langwitch absudder still, don't you think you would have had a word in defens of them too you who hope to find frends for your dramatic wux in the nex age? Poo!
Do you think yourself such a mity man in parlymint, that critix are to be angry with you, and aujences to be cumsidered magnanamous because they treat you fairly? Do you spose the critix wouldn't applaud too?
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