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Updated: May 15, 2025
"And here," said the Ingenious Patriot, pulling another paper from another pocket, "are the working plans of a gun that I have invented, which will pierce that armour. Your Majesty's Royal Brother, the Emperor of Bang, is anxious to purchase it, but loyalty to your Majesty's throne and person constrains me to offer it first to your Majesty. The price is one million tumtums."
The white flag, typical of the sanctity of religion, floated over others of scarlet and green; the music was of squeaking bagpipes, and rude tumtums, struck like minute drums. The greater part were on horseback, the governor being most conspicuous. This troop of individuals ascended a small hill of the market-place, where they remained half an hour in solemn prayer.
Here, also, are reports of your Majesty's Ministers, attesting the value of the invention. I will part with my right in it for a million tumtums." After examining the papers, the King put them away and promised him an order on the Lord High Treasurer of the Extortion Department for a million tumtums.
I tell you he's the stuff that will take 'em over the top and make the boches feel cold in the pit of their fat tumtums when they see him coming. Lord, but the uselessness of it though! He'll get killed. His kind always does. They are always in front. They are made that way. Can't help it. Sometimes they do come through though."
"Search this man," he said, "and report how many pockets he has." "Forty-three, Sire," said the Great Head Factotum, completing the scrutiny. "May it please your Majesty," cried the Ingenious Patriot, in terror, "one of them contains tobacco." "Hold him up by the ankles and shake him," said the King; "then give him a check for forty-two million tumtums and put him to death.
On overtaking them, they drew up on each side, and some dozen of them kept up a running sham fight with their swords and small wooden and metal shields before the Bey. The officers kissed the hand of the Bey, and his treasurer tipped their band, for so we must call their tumtums and squeaking-pipes. This ceremony took place every morning, and they were received in the camp with all the honours.
"Well, I wish you would drop them, anyway," continued his wife. "No, you don't," said the doctor. "You know quite well that you would root me out of bed any hour of the night to see any of their kiddies that happened to have a pain in their little tumtums. Between you and Mrs. French I haven't a moment to devote to my large and growing practice." "What does she want now?"
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