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Th' minyit a Mormon thries to break into a pollytical job, a dillygation rises an' says they: 'What! they says, 'permit this polluted monsther f'r to invade th' chaste atmosphere, they says, 'iv th' house iv riprisintatives, they says. 'Permit him f'r to parade his fam'ly down Pinnsylvanya Av'noo an' block thraffic, they says.
'Hinceforth ye'll ate th' canned roast beef iv merry ol' stock yards or I'll have a file iv sojers in to fill ye full iv ondygistible lead, he says. An' afther him comes th' man with Aunt Miranda's Pan Cakes an' Flaked Bran an' Ye'll-perish-if-ye-don't-eat-a-biscuit an' other riprisintatives iv Westhern Civilization, an' I'm to be shot if I don't take thim all."
'We're th' riprisintatives iv Westhren Civilization, he says, 'an' 'tis th' business iv Westhren Civilization to cut up th' belongings iv Easthren Civilization, he says. 'Be off, he says, 'or I'll pull ye'er hair, he says. 'Well, says I, 'this thing has gone far enough, I says.
"Well, glory be, th' times has changed since me frind Jawn Finerty come out iv th' House iv Riprisintatives; an', whin some wan ast him what was goin' on, he says, 'Oh, nawthin' at all but some damned American business. Thim was th' days! An' what's changed thim?
Riprisintatives iv th' free an' inlightened press, th' pollutyem iv our liberties, as Hogan says, bright, intilligent young journalists, iver ready to probe fraud an' sham, disgeezed as waithers, is dashin' madly about, makin' notes on their cuffs. Business is suspinded. They'se no money in Wall Sthreet. It's all at th' sacred scene.
But there are still a few riprisintatives iv th' older memberships iv th' stock exchange who cannot lave th' familyar scenes, an' I like to dhrop in on these pathricyans an' gossip iv days that ar-re no more. Faith, there's hardly a place that I don't spind me summers. If I don't like a place I can move. I sail me yacht into sthrange harbors. I take me private car wheriver I want to go.
An' I want to tell ye, me frind, that whin it comes to disthributin' th' honors f'r this reform iv th' tariff, don't ye fail to throw a few flowers, or, if bricks are handier, bricks at th' riprisintatives iv our small but gallant party. It was a fine thing to see thim standin' be th' battle cry iv our grand old organyzation.
"There was a gr-reat sthruggle over can-nary bur-rd seed. Riprisintatives iv th' Chicago packers insisted that in time canary bur-rds cud be taught to eat pork chops. Manny sinitors thought that th' next step wud be to take th' duty off cuttle fish bone, an' thus sthrike a blow at th' very heart iv our protictive system.
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