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Updated: June 16, 2025
"Arter that I used to wait until he 'ad gorn afore I 'ad my arf-pint. I didn't want my good name taken away, and I had to be careful, and many's the good arf-pint I 'ad to refuse because that little imitation monkey was sitting in the office drawing faces on 'is blotting-paper. But sometimes it don't matter 'ow careful you are, you make a mistake.
I 'ad two 'arfpints with 'im at the Albion with his missis walking up and down outside and arter the second 'arf-pint he said he wanted to meet Dorothy and tell 'er that 'e was married, and that he 'oped she would meet some good man that was worthy of 'er. I had a week's peace while the ship was away, but she was hardly made fast afore I 'ad it all over agin and agin.
I put down the broom at last, and was just thinking of stepping round to the Bull's Head for a 'arf-pint when I see Cap'n Smithers come off the ship on to the wharf and walk to the gate. "I thought you was going to turn in?" I ses. "I did think of it," he ses, "then I thought p'r'aps I'd better stroll as far as Broad Street and meet my wife." It was all I could do to keep a straight face.
Everybody was wondering wot was happening, and when Bob Pretty got up and said 'e must be going, Bill Chambers caught 'old of him by the coat and asked 'im to have arf a pint with 'im. Bob had the arf-pint, and arter that another one with Sam Jones, and then 'e said 'e really must be going, as his wife was expecting 'im.
'Not me, mate, replied the other, shaking his head doggedly. ''Ere I am, and 'ere I'm goin' to bloody well stop. 'No, you ain't, replied Philpot coaxingly. ''Look 'ere. I'll tell you wot we'll do. You 'ave just one more 'arf-pint along of me, and then we'll both go 'ome together. I'll see you safe 'ome. 'See me safe 'ome! Wotcher mean? indignantly demanded the other.
Then, just to open 'is eyes a bit, I walked in and put down a penny and asked for a 'arf-pint. The landlord was just wiping down the counter at the time, and when I gave my order he looked up and stood staring at me with the wet cloth 'eld up in the air. He didn't say a word not a single word.
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