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Updated: May 8, 2025
"It sometimes happens," I explained, "that a player who is learning the game falls to hit his ball straight, and then he often loses it in the rough at the side of the fairway." "Absurd!" said Vincent Jopp. "If I set out to drive my ball straight, I shall drive it straight. Good morning, Mr. McHoots. You will excuse me now. I am busy cornering Woven Textiles."
"Arrange today for my becoming a member." Sandy McHoots arrived in due course, and was shown into the private office. "Mr. McHoots?" said Vincent Jopp. "Mphm!" said the Open Champion. "I have sent for you, Mr. McHoots, because I hear that you are the greatest living exponent of this game of golf." "Aye," said the champion, cordially. "I am that." "I wish you to teach me the game.
It is related of the illustrious Sandy McHoots that when, on the occasion of his winning the British Open Championship, he was interviewed by reporters from the leading daily papers as to his views on Tariff Reform, Bimetallism, the Trial by Jury System, and the Modern Craze for Dancing, all they could extract from him was the single word "Mphm!"
Easier than I had supposed. On the first tee at Wissahicky Glen at eleven sharp tomorrow, Mr. McHoots. Hi! You!" "Sir?" I said. "Go out and buy me a set of clubs, a red jacket, a cloth cap, a pair of spiked shoes, and a ball." "One ball?" "Certainly. What need is there of more?"
All this long, weary while I have been in the village of Auchtermuchtie, in Scotland, studying under Tamms McMickle." "Not the Tamms McMickle who finished fourth in the Open Championship of 1911, and had the best ball in the foursome in 1912 with Jock McHaggis, Andy McHeather, and Sandy McHoots!" "Yes, Mortimer, the very same. Oh, it was difficult at first.
"Sandy McHoots won both British and American Open events last year." "Wire him to come here at once." "But McHoots is in Inverlochty, in Scotland." "Never mind. Get him; tell him to name his own terms. When is the Amateur Championship?" "I think it is on September the twelfth this year." "All right, take dictation. September twelfth win Amateur Championship."
"Na sae simple as it soonds." "Nonsense!" said Vincent Jopp, curtly. "If I decide to keep my head still, I shall keep it still. What next?" "Keep yer ee on the ba'." "It shall be attended to. And the next?" "Dinna press." "I won't. And to resume." Mr. McHoots ran through a dozen of the basic rules, and I took them down in shorthand. Vincent Jopp studied the list. "Very good.
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