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Updated: May 15, 2025
The barkeep came scuttling out no robot in here, just a tired-faced old man and took their orders. Hawkes called for beer, Steve for whiskey; Alan did not order. He sat staring at his brother's oddly changed face. Steve was twenty-six. From Alan's seventeen-year-old vantage-point, that seemed tremendously old, well past the prime of life. He said, "The Valhalla landed on Earth a few days ago.
'Next Time Ask the Barkeep Why He Doesn't Drink, and, 'Mighty Elephants Like Rum and Are Chained Slaves." "You'll find more moralizing on booze if you look farther. It's one of the subjects they talk most about." "'The Sardine is Dead: Therefore More Comfortable Than You, Mr. Straphanger," read Marrineal. "Go up in the rush-hour L any day and you'll hear that editorial with trimmings."
"'Which I likes your aplomb! says Black Jack to Peets, as he swabs off the bar in a peevish way. 'I makes it my boast that I'm the best-nachered barkeep between the Colorado an' the Rio Grande, an' yet I'm free to confess, sech plays chafes me.
I'm too much a friend of labor to do it, Colonel. "'What! says Boggs, quite wrought up; 'do you-all mean to tell me them onhappy sports ain't had a drink since yesterday? It's a stain on the camp! Whoopee, barkeep! see what them gents will have; an' keep seein' what they'll have endoorin' this conference.
'You're all right, Bill, goes on this Cherokee to the barkeep, but now I goes back of the box for this infant boy, I reckons I'll saw him off onto a preacher, or some sharp sim'lar, where he gets a Christian example. Whatever do you think? "The barkeep says himse'f he allows it's the play to make.
I puts it to you- alls without heat or pride, gents; Jedge Lynch is right every time. "'Put me down, says Doc Peets, at the same time makin' signs for the barkeep to remember his mission on earth, 'put me down as coincidin' in them sentiments.
"Pard," I replies, "speakin' confidenshul an' between gent an' gent, this yere weepon is plumb novel to me." ""Which I allows as much," he says, "from the egreegious way you fidges with it. Now let me pass you-all a p'inter from the peaks of experience. You caper back to the tavern an' take that weepon off. Or what's as well, you pass it across to the barkeep.
"As I su'gests, the barkeep, realizin' that the stranger's bluff arises from cur'osity rather than any notion of what booksports calls 'captious criticism, feels no ombrage. "'What was you-all pleased to remark? retorts the barkeep as he slams his nose-paint where the shorthorn can get action.
He's been pesterin' an' irritatin' about the post-office for mighty like an hour, when all at once he crosses over to the Red Light an' squar's up to the bar. He don't invite none of us to licker jest himse'f; which onp'liteness is shore received invidious. "'Gimme a cocktail, says this Signal person to the barkeep.
"ere! you black boy, Tom!" and the Old Cattleman's voice rose loudly as he commanded the approach of that buoyant servitor, who supervised his master's destinies, and performed in the triangular role of valet, guardian and friend. "Yere, you; go to the barkeep of this tavern an' tell him to frame me up a pitcher of that peach brandy an' honey the way I shows him how.
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