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Updated: June 14, 2025
"Well, sir, me little Chinee frind Woo must be havin' th' time iv his life in Wash'nton these warm days," said Mr. Dooley. "Who's he?" asked Mr. Hennessy. "He's th' Chinee ministher," said Mr. Dooley, "an' his business is f'r to supply fresh hand-laundhried misinformation to the sicrety iv state.
At anny rate, he must be a resident iv an Atlantic seacoast town, an' niver been west iv Cohoes. If he gets th' idee there are anny white people in Ann Arbor or Columbus, he loses his job. "Th' last place on th' list is Sicrety iv Agriculture. A good, lively business man that was born in th' First Ward an' moved to th' Twinty-foorth after th' fire is best suited to this office.
Th' Sicrety iv War seen him comin', an' called, 'Pussy, pussy. Goold Bonds wint through his legs, an' galloped f'r where th' Postmaster-gin'ral was settin' editin' his pa-aper. Th' Postmaster-gin'ral had jus' got as far as 'we opine, whin he see Goold Bonds, an' he bate th' cat to th' windy be a whisker.
He's goin' over th' list iv th' people that's to come, an' he says to his sicrety: 'Scratch that boy. Him an' me bump as we pass by. He didn't want this fellow, ye see, Hinnissy. I don't know why. They was dissatisfaction between thim; annyhow, he says: 'Scratch him, an' he was out iv it."
F'r Sicrety iv th' Threasury he has a choice iv three kinds iv proud and incompetent fi-nanceers.
'I I mean we, he says, 'congratulate th' counthry on th' matchless statesmanship, on-shrinkin' courage, steady devotion to duty an' principle iv that gallant an' hon'rable leader, mesilf, he says to his sicrety. 'Take that, he says, 'an' elaborate it, he says. 'Ye'll find a ditchnry on th' shelf near the dure, he says, 'if ye don't think I've put what I give ye sthrong enough, he says.
I've held nawthin' back fr'm th' public, not even whin 'twas mar-rked private. I can say with th' pote that I done me jooty. But, oh, Chanse! don't iver aspire to my job. Be sicrety of war, if ye will; but niver be sicrety iv A war. Do not offer this letter to th' newspapers. Make thim take it. How's things goin' with ye, ol' pal? I hope to see ye at th' seaside.
Dooley, "whether th' navy is goin' to spend th' rest iv its days protectin' our possessions in th' Oryent or whether it is to remain in th' neighborhood iv Barnstable makin' th' glaziers iv New England rich beyond th' dhreams iv New England avarice, which ar-re hopeful dhreams. Th' cabinet is divided, th' Sicrety iv th' Navy is divided, th' Prisidint is divided an' th' press is divided.
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