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Updated: June 3, 2025
'The trouble with Us, said he, 'is that We take such an infernally long time making sure that We are right that We don't go ahead when things happen. For instance, I ought to have gone ahead instead of pulling up when I hit that bicycle. 'But you were in the wrong, Lingnam, when you turned to the right, I put in.
By the time it had soaked to my second rug, Penfentenyou appeared at the window, wiping his false mouth on a napkin. 'Are you all right? he inquired. 'Then that's all right! Mrs. Bellamy says that her bees don't sting in the wet. You'd better fetch Lingnam over. He's got to pay for them and the bicycle.
Lingnam rose stiffly in his place to make a few remarks on the Federation of the Empire on the lines of Co-ordinated, Offensive Operations, backed by the Entire Effective Forces, Moral, Military, and Fiscal, of Permanently Mobilised Communities, the whole brought to bear, without any respect to the merits of any casus belli, instantaneously, automatically, and remorselessly at the first faint buzz of war.
You won't have to do it more than once. 'What's he suffering from? 'The Empire. He's pretty nearly cured us all of Imperialism at home. P'raps he'll cure you. 'Very good. What am I to do with him? 'Don't you worry, said Penfentenyou. 'He'll do it. And when Mr. Lingnam appeared half-an-hour later with the Agent-General for Penfentenyou's Dominion, he did just that.
Lingnam changed gears, and she hoisted herself up to a joyous Youp-i-addy-i-ay! from the steam-organ. As we topped the arch we saw a Foresters' band with banners marching down the street. 'That's all very fine, said the Agent-General, 'but in real life things have a knack of happening without approaching We dipped over the bridge into the village.
Deborah rolled out in drenched lumps into the swilling gutter. There was a muffled shriek at the window where Mrs. Bellamy gesticulated. 'It's all right. I've paid for them, said Mr. Lingnam. He dumped out the last dregs like mould from a pot-bound flower-pot. 'What? Are you going to take 'em home with you? said the Agent-General. 'No! He passed a wet hand over his streaky forehead.
At eleven he and Penfentenyou went to bed. At midnight Mr. Lingnam brought down his big-bellied despatch box with the newspaper clippings and set to federating the Empire in earnest. I remember that he had three alternative plans. As a dealer in words, I plumped for the resonant third 'Reciprocally co-ordinated Senatorial Hegemony' which he then elaborated in detail for three-quarters of an hour.
A boy on a bicycle, loaded with four paper bonnet-boxes, pedalled towards us, out of an alley on our right. He bowed his head the better to overcome the ascent, and naturally took his left. Mr. Lingnam swerved frantically to the right. Penfentenyou shouted.
All was melody, green turf, bright water, and this greedy gambolling fish. When I had identified it by its grey gills and binoculars as Lingnam, I prostrated myself before Allah in that mirth which is more truly labour than any prayer. Then I turned to the purple Penfentenyou at the window, and wiped my eyes on the rug edge.
Lingnam could have federated the Empire from a tight rope. He continued his oration at the wheel as we trundled. 'The danger to the Younger Nations is of being drawn into this vortex of Militarism, he went on, dodging the rear of the soldiery. 'Slow past troops, I hinted. 'It saves 'em dust. And we overtake on the right as a rule in England. 'Thanks! Mr. Lingnam slued over.
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