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Updated: June 4, 2025
How do you pig together? Fri. Bare. Pan. Remember you're upon your oath, and tell me justly and bona fide how many times a day you monk it? Fri. Six. Pan. How many bouts a-nights? Fri. Ten. Catso, quoth Friar John, the poor fornicating brother is bashful, and sticks at sixteen, as if that were his stint. Right, quoth Panurge, but couldst thou keep pace with him, Friar John, my dainty cod?
Fri. Wood. Pan. What sort of wood is't? Fri. Dry. Pan. And of what kind of trees? Fri. Yews. Pan. What are the faggots and brushes of? Fri. Holm. Pan. What wood d'ye burn in your chambers? Fri. Pine. Pan. And of what other trees? Fri. Lime. Pan. Hearkee me; as for the buttocks, I'll go your halves. Pray, how do you feed 'em? Fri. Well. Pan. First, what do they eat? Fri. Bread. Pan.
I blush like any black dog, and could be as testy as an old cook when I think on all this; it passes my understanding. But, pray, when you have been pumped dry one day, what have you got the next? Fri. More. Pan. By Priapus, they have the Indian herb of which Theophrastus spoke, or I'm much out.
But, hearkee me, thou man of brevity, should some impediment, honestly or otherwise, impair your talents and cause your benevolence to lessen, how would it fare with you, then? Fri. Ill. Pan. What would the wenches do? Fri. Rail. Pan. What if you skipped, and let 'em fast a whole day? Fri. Worse. Pan. What do you give 'em then? Fri. Thwacks. Pan. What do they say to this? Fri. Bawl. Pan.
However, I'll not offer to infer from this that the Arimaspians are better than we are in that point; yet I speak to the purpose. Well, quoth Panurge to the Semiquaver friar, who happened to be by, dear bumbasting, shaking, trilling, quavering cod, what thinkest thou of this fellow? Is he a rank heretic? Fri. Much. Pan. Ought he not to be singed? Fri. Well. Pan. As soon as may be? Fri. Right.
How are they when you've done? Fri. Lank. Pan. Now, by the oath you have taken, tell me, when you have a mind to cohabit, how you throw 'em? Fri. Down. Pan. And what do they say then? Fri. Fie. Pan. However, like maids, they say nay, and take it; and speak the less, but think the more, minding the work in hand; do they not? Fri. True. Pan. Do they get you bairns? Fri. None. Pan.
May the devil's dam suck my teat if he does not look as if he had got a blow over the nose with a Naples cowl-staff. Pan. Pray, Friar Shakewell, does your whole fraternity quaver and shake at that rate? Fri. All. Pan. Who of them is the best cock o' the game? Fri. Pan. Do you never commit dry-bobs or flashes in the pan? Fri. None. Pan.
No. Pan. What have they besides, then? Fri. Beef. Pan. And what else? Fri. Pork. Pan. And what more? Fri. Geese. Pan. What then? Fri. Ducks. Pan. And what besides? Fri. Cocks. Pan. What do they season their meat with? Fri. Salt. Pan. What sauce are they most dainty for? Fri. Must. Pan. What's their last course? Fri. Rice. Pan. And what else? Fri. Milk. Pan. What besides? Fri. Peas. Pan. What sort?
How many would you have? Fri. Five. Pan. Where do you hide 'em? Fri. Here. Pan. I suppose they are not all of one age; but, pray, how is their shape? Fri. Straight. Pan. Their complexion? Fri. Clear. Pan. Their hair? Fri. Fair. Pan. Their eyes? Fri. Black. Pan. Their features? Fri. Good. Pan. Their brows? Fri. Small. Pan. Their graces? Fri. Ripe. Pan. Their looks? Fri. Free. Pan. Their feet? Fri.
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