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Updated: June 24, 2025
'I did like her very much. Our eyes met for a second, in which all was said that need be said, as between two of our phlegmatic race. 'And she's separate from him. That was the reason of all my indecisions. he hurried on. 'I only told you half at Schlei. I know I ought to have been open, and asked your advice. But I let it slide.
Except for that Pentagram evening, a series of talks with Isabel Rivers, who was now becoming more and more important in my intellectual life, and the arguments I maintained with Crupp, I never really opened my mind at all during that period of indecisions, slow abandonments, and slow acquisitions. At last, out of a vast accumulation of impressions, decision distilled quite suddenly.
This is a wonderfully chivalrous utterance for a Reformer forty-eight years old; and it compares well with the leaden coquetries of Calvin, not much over thirty, taking this and that into consideration, weighing together dowries and religious qualifications and the instancy of friends, and exhibiting what M. Bungener calls "an honourable and Christian difficulty" of choice, in frigid indecisions and insincere proposals.
The young fellow who went with needless haste out of the house and down the avenue about eleven o'clock had no indecisions. Josiah trusted him, and he felt the compliment this implied. On the far side of the highroad Westways slumbered. Only in the rector's small house were lights burning. The town was in absolute darkness. Westways went to bed early.
But to-night, moon or no, he craved sleep as an opium-eater craves his magic pellets, because he wanted to dream. It was many weeks since he last had sight of his mother. But surely she must be near him in his loneliness; aware, in some mysterious fashion, of the deep longing with which he longed for sight or sense of her, to assure him that in spite of qualms and indecisions he had chosen aright.
It may be that he never made up his mind but was forced by the course of events to go to Jerusalem where his career ended all too soon. Mankind will never know the details of his inner life; his doubts, hopes, decisions, indecisions are hidden from us in an obscurity that will never be completely lifted. His preaching became more revolutionary.
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