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Updated: May 7, 2025
If this be parchment, and this be wax, eat you this parchment and wax, or I will make parchment of your skin, and beat your brains into wax. Sirrah Sumner, despatch devour, sirrah, devour. Sumner. I am my Lord of Rochester's sumner; I came to do my office, and thou shall answer it. Harpool. Sirrah, no railing, but, betake thyself to thy teeth. Thou shalt, eat no worse than thou bringest with thee.
If the seal were broad as the lead which covers Rochester Church, thou shouldst eat it. Sumner. Oh, I am almost choked I am almost choked! Harpool. Who's within there? Will you shame my lord? Is there no beer in the house? Butler, I say. Enter BUTLER. Butler. Here, here. Harpool. Give him beer. Tough old sheep skin's but dry meat.
Be champing, be chewing, sir, or I will chew you, you rogue. Tough wax is the purest of the honey. Sumner. The purest of the honey? O Lord, sir, oh! oh! Harpool. Feed, feed; 'tis wholesome, rogue, wholesome. Cannot you, like an honest sumner, walk with the devil your brother, to fetch in your bailiff's rents, but you must come to a nobleman's house with process!
Thou bringest it for my lord; and wilt thou bring my lord worse than thou wilt eat thyself? Sumner. Sir. I brought it not my lord to eat. Harpool. O, do you Sir me now? All's one for that; I'll make you eat it for bringing it. Sumner. I cannot eat it. Harpool. Can you not? 'Sblood, I'll beat you till you have a stomach! Sumner. Oh, hold, hold, good Mr. Servingman; I will eat it. Harpool.
You know what men said of Harpool.* You shall do well before you go out of the world to give satisfaction therein, and not to die with these imputations upon you. * A mistake probably for Harriot. The name is variously spelt. The judge's words are variously reported, but their purport is always the same.
A similar scene occurs betwixt a sumner of the Bishop of Rochester, and Harpool, the servant of Lord Cobham, in the old play of Sir John Oldcastle, when the former compels the church-officer to eat his citation.
The dialogue, which may be found in the note, contains most of the jests which may be supposed, appropriate to such an extraordinary occasion: Harpool Marry, sir, is, this process parchment? Sumner. Yes, marry is it. Harpool. And this seal wax? Sumner. It is so. Harpool.
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