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I haven't done such a thing since I broke into neighbour Brown's woodshed to steal his tame 'possum, and that's forty years back. It's the first piece of genooine amusement I've struck in this game, and I haven't laughed so much since old Jim Hooker told the tale of "Cousin Sally Dillard" when we were hunting ducks in Michigan and his wife's brother had an apoplexy in the night and died of it.
The partners looked at each other. "Gosh darn my buttoms!" said Hootchinoo Bill. "Seems likes you and me, Kink, is the kind of folks always caught out with forks when it rains soup." "Wouldn't it take the saleratus out your dough, now?" said Kink Mitchell. "A stampede of tin-horns, drunks, an' loafers." "An' squaw-men," added Bill. "Not a genooine miner in the whole caboodle."
Instead o' fifty thousand genooine plunks we will now perceed to have fifty thousand dollars' worth o' fun the Perfessor's treat, gents. He will now demonstrate his get-away. He is an insect an' to the insects he goes from here. He has stung us an' it is now his turn to git stung. I have grea at pleasure in callin' upon the Perfessor."
Being a rich man and a philanthropist, I give all I make off of this book to the poor. But it ain't everybody can experience the satisfiedness of seeing a reely genooine author. So I travel around exhibiting myself for the good of the public.
"'You'll do just as well, I says, 'if not better. You have that intellectual look that I always spot on the genooine lover of reading matter. "'If you are gun to talk book, you better git right down to business and talk book' she says, 'because when I whoop up that stove to git supper, as I'm gun to soon, it's liable to git warm in this kitchen.
"Genooine miners like you an' me, Kink," he went on academically, "is all out an' sweatin' hard over Birch Creek way. Not a genooine miner in this whole crazy Dawson outfit, and I say right here, not a step do I budge for any Carmack strike. I've got to see the colour of the dust first." "Same here," Mitchell agreed. "Let's have another drink."
"Don't they have any genooine Texans down your way?" "Not enough to make it disagreeable," says Tim. "That lets you out," growls Pete, gettin' hostile and handlin' of his rifle. Which the man had been standin' there bewildered, the cup hangin' from his finger. At last, lookin' pretty desperate, he stooped down to dig up a little of the wet from an overflow puddle lyin' at his feet.
Gar on, guv'nor, lemme in!" "Oh, crumpets, look at Jimmy! Jimmy never done nothink, your honor; he's a himposter" "I'm the boy what kicked the peeler. Hie, you toff with the choker, ain't I to step up?" "Tell yer, I'm a genooine criminal, I am. If yer don't lemme in I'll have the lawr on you." "Let a poor cove in as his father drownded hisself for his country." "What air yer torking about?
Do I see before me a real, genooine author? Do I see in our humble but not chilly kitchen a reely trooly author? "'Yes'm, I says, modest, like G. W. when is papa caught him executing the cherry tree. 'I wrote it. I am the author. Here, as you see me now, in tropical but dripping diffidence, I am the author of that tome. It's a warm day. "She stood in my proximity and explored me with her eyes.
And as a special and extraordinary thing a sort of guarantee to one and all that they have seen a genooine living author I write my autograph in each and every volume of this book that I sell at the small sum of one-fifty per. Think of it! Ten thousand verses; moral, intellectooal, and witty; cloth cover, and the author's own autograph written by himself, all for one-fifty.
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