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Here's some iv thim: Apatite, hog bristles, wurruks iv art more thin twinty years old, kelp, marshmallows, life boats, silk worm eggs, stilts, skeletons, turtles, an' leeches. Th' new tariff bill puts these familyar commodyties within th' reach iv all. But there's a bigger surprise waitin' for ye. What d'ye think ends th' free list? I'll give ye twinty chances an' ye'll niver guess. Blankets? No.
They're good readin'. Nawthin' cud be better f'r a man whin he's tired out afther a day's wurruk thin to go to his library an' take down wan iv th' gr-reat wurruks iv lithratchoor an' play a game iv dominos f'r th' dhrinks out iv it. Anny other kind iv r-readin', barrin' th' newspapers, which will niver hurt anny onedycated man, is desthructive iv morals.
'Th' protection iv th' home hobo again th' pauper can trade iv Europe, he says, 'has been wan iv th' principal wurruks iv me life, he says; an' he gives thim each a hand out, an' bows thim to th' dure. "In comes a dillygation fr'm th' Union iv Amalgamated Pantsmakers; an' says th' chairman, 'Major, he says, 'we have a complaint to make again thim pants iv ye'ers, he says.
A corryspondint iv th' Daily Saky, who wurruks in an old porcylain facthry in Maine, writes that this famous subjick iv th' Mickydoo, whose name has escaped him but who had a good job in a livery stable in Tokyo befure he was sint on a mission to th' American people to see what he cud get, wint into an all night resthrant an' demanded his threaty rights, which ar-re that th' waiter was to tuck his napkin into his collar an' th' bartinder must play "Nippon th' gloryous" on a mouth organ.
Well, whin I've injooced him to take a bowl iv red liquor f'r in his time th' dhrink was white an' explained how th' seltzer comes out an' th' cash raygisther wurruks, an' wather is dhrawn fr'm th' fassit, an' gas is lighted fr'm th' burner, an' got him so he wud not bump his head again' th' ceilin' ivry time th' beer pump threw a fit afther that we'd talk iv the pollytical situation."
Look, Jawn dear, an' see if there's an ice-pick undher me chair. "It 'd be more thin th' patience iv Job 'd stand to go through such weather, an' be fit f'r society. They's on'y wan man in all th' wurruld cud do it, an' that man's little Tim Clancy. He wurruks out in th' mills, tin hours a day, runnin' a wheelbarrow loaded with cindhers. He lives down beyant.
He dhraws wan twinty-five a day whin he wurruks. "He come in here th' other night to talk over matthers; an' I was stewin' in me shirt, an' sayin' cross things to all th' wurruld fr'm th' tail iv me eye. ''Tis hot, says I. ''Tis war-rum, he says. ''Tis dam hot, says I. 'Well, he says, ''tis good weather f'r th' crops, he says. 'Things grows in this weather.
If it wasn't f'r me, th' poor thing'd have closed down the wurruks, an' gone to th' far-rm long ago. An' wan day, whin he's takin' th' air, p'raps, along comes an Eyetalyan, an' says he, 'Ar-re ye a king? 'That's my name, says his majesty. 'Betther dead, says th' Eyetalyan; an' they'se a scramble, an' another king goes over th' long r-road. "I don't know much about arnychists.
Ye'er worries about th' childhren's shoes disappear an' ye see ye'ersilf floatin' over a purple sea iv alazarin, in ye'er private yacht, lulled be th' London Times, surrounded be wurruks iv art more thin twinty years old, atin' marshmallows an' canary bur-rd seed, while th' turtles an' leeches frisk on th' binnacle. "Well, sir, if nobody else has read th' debates on th' tariff bill, I have.
Otherwise th' libry may get mixed up with readin' matther on th' table. Th' shelf shud thin be nailed to th' wall iliven feet fr'm th' flure an' hermetically sealed. "What books does he riccomind? Iv course there's such folklore as Epicbaulus in Marsupia an' th' wurruks iv Hyperphrastus.
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