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I've never had a chance to see how tall you are I couldn't tell that day on the train." The eagle feather came even with his ear when she stood beside him, slender and strong, health in her eyes, her womanhood ripening in her lips. Not as tall as Vesta, not as full of figure, he began in mental measurement, burning with self-reproof when he caught himself at it.
She looked up at him with that submission in her glance which belonged to her state of self-reproof; but the subtle change in his face and manner arrested her speech. For a few moments they remained silent, looking at each other. Tito himself felt that a crisis was come in his married life.
It was this view of the subject that justified, to his mind, the means which he had used that silenced self-reproof, when it accused him of artifice, and called him to account for the deception he had practised upon his colleagues.
Could he have learnt the story of her life, she still persevering on her widowed way, would he not have deemed her nobler? Aid against this subtlety of conscience rose in the form of self-reproof administered by that joyous voice of nature which no longer timidly begged a hearing, but came as a mandate from an unveiled sovereign.
But such reflections were not of a nature to be long willingly cherished by the person to whom they might have been of great advantage. He assumed a tone of raillery, which is, perhaps, the readiest mode of escaping from the feelings of self-reproof.
The anguish produced by this self-reproof was so strong that I put my hand suddenly to my forehead, and was obliged to allege a sudden megrim to my attendant, in apology for the action, and a slight groan with which it was accompanied. I then made an effort to turn my thoughts into a more philosophical current, and muttered half aloud, as a charm to lull any more painful thoughts to rest,
"Brotherly love's no good agin' that kind o' beast, a good strong fist's the thing, or better still a little, sharp churi like mine!" "Ah, but when I hit him," sighed Jessamy, "I went on hitting him not for the good of his soul but because I I j'yed in it " "Well, it did him just as much good, anyhow!" said Diana whereupon Jessamy sighed again and shook his head in self-reproof.
He had so accustomed himself to his own hypothesis, that 'self-gratification is the law of nature, and had so confused a sense of what true self-gratification is, with such an active faculty of perverting facts and exhibiting pictures of general turpitude, that he had very little sense of the vice of his own conduct; and was therefore very little subject to self-reproof.
When the idea, the mere idea, of her loving him presented itself, from whatever quarter suggested, he turned from it with shame and self-reproof: the thought was in its own nature too unfit. That splendor regard him! From a social point of view there was of course little presumption in it.
And to bear patiently what we have brought upon ourselves, to endure the inward shame, the self-reproof, the self-contempt bitterer to drink than blood, the lifelong injuries, impoverishment, and disgrace, to bear all these patiently and uncomplainingly, to acquiesce humbly in the discovery that all this was always in our hearts, and still is in our hearts what humility, what patience, what compassion and pity for ourselves must all that call forth!
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