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"But it won't be f'r long. Ivry mornin' I pick up me pa-aper with fear an' thremblin'. War with Japan is immynint. 'Tokyo, June five Th' whole nation is wild with excitement over th' misthreatment iv a Jap'nese in Los Angeles, an' unless an apology is forthcomin' it will be difficult f'r th' Governmint to prevint th' navy fr'm shootin' a few things at ye.
They say that th' Jap'nese grow up too fast f'r their childher, an' that 'tis no pleasant sight to see a Jap'nese pupil combin' a set iv gray whiskers an' larnin', 'Mary had a little lamb, and if th' Prisidint wants thim to enther th' schools he'll have to load thim in a cannon an' shoot thim in." "We'd bate thim in a fight," said Mr. Hennessy.
Th' first thing I know a shell loaded with dynnymite dhrops into th' lap iv some frind iv mine in San Francisco; a party iv Jap'nese land in Boston an' scalp th' wigs off th' descindants iv John Hancock an' Sam Adams; an' Tiddy Rosenfelt is discovered undher a bed with a small language book thryin' to larn to say 'Spare me' in th' Jap'nese tongue.
But a Jap'nese rowboat cud knock to pieces th' whole Atlantic squadron. It cud so. They're marvellous sailors. They use guns that shoot around th' corner. They fire these here injines iv desthruction with a mysteeryous powdher made iv a substance on'y known to thim. It is called saltpether. These guns hurl projyctiles weighin' eighty tons two thousand miles. On land they ar-re even more tur-rible.
As token iv their grief th' Cab'net waited on th' Jap'nese embassy at dinner to-night an' Admiral Bob Evans has been ordhered to sink th' battle ship Louisyanny an' carry Gin'ral Kroky's hat box to th' deepo. "An' so it goes. I'm in a state iv alarum all th' time. In th' good old days we wudden't have thought life was worth livin' if we cudden't insult a foreigner. That's what they were f'r.
There is on'y wan horse in Japan, but ivry Japanese sojer has larned to ride him. To see wan iv their magnificent cav'lry rijments goin' into action mounted on Joko is a sight long to be raymimbered. Above all, th' Jap'nese is most to be feared because iv his love iv home an' his almost akel love iv death. He is so happy in Japan that we wud rather die somewhere's else.
Th' next month some iv th' subjects iv our life-long frind an' ally were shot while hookin' seals fr'm our side iv th' Passyfic. Next week a prom'nent Jap'nese statesman was discovered payin' a socyal visit to th' Ph'lippeens. He had with him at th' time two cameras, a couple iv line men, surveyin' tools, a thousand feet iv tape line, an' a bag iv dinnymite bombs.
He was able to limp to th' Jap'nese Consul's house, where he made a complaint to th' Impror, who was an old frind iv his father.
A Jap'nese sojer can march three hundhred miles a day an' subsist on a small piece iv chewin' gum. Their ar-rmy have arrived at such a perfection at th' diffycult manoover known as th' goose step that they have made this awful insthrument iv carnage th' terror iv th' armies iv Europe. As cav'lrymen they ar-re unexcelled.
Last month th' Jap'nese Governmint wrote to th' Prisidint: 'Most gracious an' bewilderin' Majesty, Impror iv th' Sun, austere an' patient Father iv th' Stars, it has come to our benign attintion that in wan iv ye'er populous domains our little prattlin' childher who ar-re over forty years iv age ar-re not admitted to th' first reader classes in th' public schools.
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