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"We thought the Colonial Office knew. We were confident that they knew. The Colonial Secretary had stated that he had been there. Later on it turned out that he meant Saskatchewan. Of course they thought we knew. And we both thought that the Exchequer must know. We understood that they had collected a hut tax for ten years." "And hadn't they?" "Not a penny. The Wazoos live in tents."
Sir John as he passed to and fro to the House was freely accosted in the streets. "Will the Wazoos rise, sir?" asked an honest labourer. "Lord help us all, sir, if they do." Sir John, deeply touched, dropped a shilling in the honest fellow's hat, by accident. At No. 10 Downing Street, women of the working class, with children in their arms, stood waiting for news.
If they were taken in flat boats, carried over the mountains on mules, and lifted across the rivers in slings, they could then be carried over the desert on jackasses. They could reach Wazuchistan in two years. Other papers counselled moderation. The Manchester Guardian recalled the fact that the Wazoos were a Christian people.
What is this Boundary Bill?" "We never meant it to pass," said Sir John. "It was introduced only as a sop to public opinion. It delimits our frontier in such a way as to extend our suzerainty over the entire desert of El Skrub. The Wazoos have claimed that this is their desert. The hill tribes are restless. If we attempt to advance the Wazoos will rise.
"Oh, John, we must go forward. Take another egg." "We cannot," groaned the Foreign Secretary. "There are reasons which I cannot explain even to you, Caroline, reasons of State, which absolutely prevent us from advancing into Wazuchistan. Our hands are tied. Meantime if the Wazoos rise, it is all over with us. It will split the Cabinet." "Split the Cabinet!" repeated Lady Elphinspoon in alarm.
If we retire it deals a blow at our prestige." Lady Elphinspoon shuddered. Her long political training had taught her that nothing was so fatal to England as to be hit in the prestige. "And on the other hand," continued Sir John, "if we move sideways, the Ohulîs, the mortal enemies of the Wazoos, will strike us in our rear." "In our rear!" exclaimed Lady Elphinspoon in a tone of pain.
Powers shook his head. "But do you mean to say," said the Premier in astonishment, "that there are no Wazoos? There you must be wrong. True we don't just know where they are. But our despatches have shown too many signs of active trouble traced directly to the Wazoos to disbelieve in them. There are Wazoos somewhere, there there must be." "The Wazoos," said Powers, "are there. But they are Irish.
Their leader, El Boob, so it was said, had accepted Christianity with childlike simplicity and had asked if there was any more of it. The Spectator claimed that the Wazoos, or more properly the Wazi, were probably the descendants of an Iranic or perhaps Urgumic stock. It suggested the award of a Rhodes Scholarship. It looked forward to the days when there would be Wazoos at Oxford.
On the Exchange all was excitement. Consols fell two points in twenty-four hours. Even raising the Bank rate and shutting the door brought only a temporary relief. Lord Glump, the greatest financial expert in London, was reported as saying that if the Wazoos rose England would be bankrupt in forty-eight hours. Meanwhile, to the consternation of the whole nation, the Government did nothing.
She admitted to herself that she had not the faintest idea. In the days that followed all England was thrilled to its base as the news spread that the Wazoo might rise at any moment. "Will the Wazoos rise?" was the question upon every lip. In London men went to their offices with a sense of gloom. At lunch they could hardly eat. A feeling of impending disaster pervaded all ranks.
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