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Parson Charley, who, drunk as he had been overnight, still retained a confused recollection of the parties who had made the irruption, in the morning applied to Mr Smoothpate to have his bell restored, when the latter told him, with the utmost gravity, that Mr Onyx Steady was the culprit, who, by the by, had disappeared from Shingle's before the bell interlude, and, in fact, was wholly ignorant of the transaction.
Mr Isaac Shingle, mine host, a sallow, sharp, hatchet faced, small, but warm hearted and kind, as I often experienced during my sojourn in the west, only sometimes a little peppery and argumentative. Then came Mr Jacob Bumble, a sleek fat pated Scotchman. Next I was introduced to Mr Alonzo Smoothpate, a very handsome fellow, with an uncommon share of natural good breeding and politeness.
Why, he has none a phenomenon four legs and a tail, but no head, as I am a gentleman lively enough, too, he is, don't seem to miss it much." Here poor Smoothpate made a violent walloping in a vain attempt to disentangle himself.
After a hearty laugh we relieved him, and being now joined by Percales, who came up in his gig, with Mr Smoothpate's following in his wake, we embarked for an airing at half past one in the morning Smoothpate and Percales, Longtram and Tom Cringle.
"Certainly," quoth Smoothpate, with the greatest seriousness, "a most unlikely person, I will confess, Charley, as he is a grave, respectable man; still, you know, the most demure cats sometimes steal cream, Charley; so, parson, my good man, Mr Onyx Steady has your bell, and no one else."
Nota Bene. We were still in the piazza, where Smoothpate was unquestionably present in the body, but the head was within the house, and altogether, as I can avouch, beyond the Don's ken. "Where?" said I, groping about "very odd, for deuce take me if I can see his head.
"Massa Smoothpate," roared Charley, "Massa Smoothpate, he who neber tell lie to nobody, Massa Smoothpate sent me, sir, so de debil if you no give up de bell I sall"
We could now hear shouts of laughter within, and a voice that I was sure belonged to Mr Smoothpate, begging to be released from the pillory he had placed himself in by removing a board in the wooden partition, and sliding it up, and then thrusting his caput from without into the interior of the house, to the no small amazement of the brown fiddler and his daughter who inhabited the same, and who had immediately secured their prize by slipping the displaced board down again, wedging it firmly on the back of his neck, as if he had been fitted for the guillotine, thus nailing him fast, unless he had bolted, and left his head in pawn.
"Why, Mr Longtram," I replied, "this is our friend Mr Smoothpate, or I mistake greatly." "Let me see," said Longtram, "if it be him, he used to have a head somewhere, I know. Let me see. Oh, it is him; you are right, my boy; and here is his head after all, and a devil of a size it has grown to since dinner time to be sure. But I know his features bald pate high forehead and cheekbones."
"Mr Smoothpate oh ho!" sung out Steady, 'I see, I see' Finally the affair was cleared up, a little hush money made him snug, and Charley having got back his instrument, bore no malice, so he and Steady resumed their former friendly footing the "statu quo ante bellum." Another story and I have done.
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