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'We're all profissors iv colledges or lawyers whin we're home, he says. 'Is it war to shoot my aunt? says th' dillygate fr'm Chiny. Cries iv 'No, no. 'Is it war to hook me father's best hat that he left behind whin he bashfully hurrid away to escape th' attintions iv Europeen sojery? he says. 'Is robbery war? says he. 'Robbery is a nicissry part iv war, says th' English dillygate.

'Tis an insult to th' pathritism iv Congress to say so. Th' Republican party, with a good deal iv assistance fr'm th' pathriotic Dimmycrats, has been thrue to its promises. Look at th' free list, if ye don't believe it. Practically ivrything nicissry to existence comes in free. What, f'r example, says ye? I'll look. Here it is. Curling stones. There, I told ye. Curling stones are free.

But th' tariff has been a good frind to some iv thim boys an' it's a frind iv frinds iv some iv th' others an' they don't intend to be rough with it. A little gentle massage to rejooce th' most prom'nent prochooberances is all that is nicissry. Whiniver they rub too hard an' th' tariff begins to groan, Sinitor Aldhrich says: 'Go a little asier there, boys.

She said she was a mimber iv th' local suffrage club, an' she felt safe in assuring her sisters that th' bill wud be signed. If nicissry, she wud sign it hersilf. Th' marrid ladies in th' aujeence wud undherstand. He meant nawthin'. It was on'y wan iv his tantrums. A little moral suasion wud bring him ar-round all right.

'Tis a sthrange thing whin we come to think iv it that th' less money a man gets f'r his wurruk, th' more nicissry it is to th' wurruld that he shud go on wurrukin'. Ye'er boss can go to Paris on a combination wedding an' divoorce thrip an' no wan bothers his head about him. But if ye shud go to Paris excuse me f'r laughin' mesilf black in th' face th' industhrees iv the counthry pines away.