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He rode up to the Colonel, said something hastily, when all at once we heard the all-firedest crash of musketry and artillery way up at the front where we had built the works the night before and left the rest of our brigade and Division getting ready to prance into Atlanta when we were sent off to the rear.
A small company were present of men and women, talk flowed easily and when it came my turn I told the story of the Yankee and the scarabaeus which I had heard that day. As I brought out with emphasis the "all-firedest, biggest bug," I noticed that a frost fell on the mirth, silence reigned for a moment interrupted only by gasps from the ladies. What impropriety had I committed?
"Bless you, missus, if dese niggers doesn't get the all-firedest walloping when I gets de chance, dey may feel glad." "Yes, but I'm afraid that you will not get the chance very soon." "Oh, dey daresn't kill me; fur if dey did, I'd hang ebery one ob dem." Despite Rosalind's painful situation, she could not but smile at the earnestness of tone in which Zeb delivered himself of this.
In a moment, however, Zeb's voice was audible. "Bless yer, you're de all-firedest fools I eber see'd. How does you s'pects I's gwine to light on toder side. Ef one of you'll take me on your back, I won't mind lettin' you try to carry me over; but I tells you I ain't agwine to try it. So you can shut up yer rat-traps."
"There's a man in this here country that looks like me," said the Pike man, with a lame excuse. "You've met him, likely." "That won't go down, old Rip-tail. There ain't but one man can whip his weight in wildcats and tell the all-firedest yarns out. That's you, and there ain't no gettin' round it."
'Ere's a entertainment that improves the morals. P.T. Barnum you've all hearn o' him. What did he say to me? Sez he to me, sez P.T. Barnum, 'Sir, you have the all-firedest best show travelin! and all to be seen for the small sum of fifteen cents!" The man with the blue hog was there.
And he celebrates her achievement far and wide. "My Mary Ann med me a pie t' other day, was the all-firedest best pie I ever et." "Med you what?" "Med me a pie." "Pie? Whutch talkinn' baout? Can't git nummore pies naow. Frot 's all gin aout." "I golly, she med it just the same. Smartest woman y' ever see." The man dribbled at the mouth. "What sh' make it aout o'?"
An old steamboat-captain once said of Elk that "it was the all-firedest river God ever made, fer it rises at both ends and runs both ways to wunst." This is true, and is caused by the Kanawha, when rising, pouring its water into the mouth of Elk and reversing its current for many miles, while at the same time rain falls in the mountains, increasing the latter river's depth and velocity.
Hain't the first time you've b'en a patron, Alvy." "Jethro," said Mr. Hopkins, solemnly, putting up his money, "I'm much obliged to you. I'm free to say I'd never have thought of it. If you ain't the all-firedest smartest man in America to-day, I don't except any, even General Grant, then I ain't the next governor of this state."
Here his mood changed; his face fell, he slowly walked around the scarabaeus three times and then exclaimed, 'It's the all-firedest, biggest bug I ever saw in all my born days'"! I palliated patriotically the over-breezy nonchalance of my countryman and thought I had got at the bottom of the joke, but that evening at a little tea I was undeceived.
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