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I've seen a man that made speeches that was set to music an' played be a silver cornet band in Ioway that hadn't been in Congress f'r a month befure he wudden't speak above a whisper or more thin an inch fr'm ye'er ear." "Do ye think Hiven sint us to th' Ph'lippeens?" Mr. Hennessy asked. "I don't know," said Mr. Dooley, "th' divvle take thim." "This man Dewey ," began Mr. Dooley.
'He'll help us f'r to make th' Ph'lippeens indepindint on us f'r support, I says; 'an', whin th' blessin's iv civilization has been extinded to his beloved counthry, an', I says, 'they put up intarnal rivinue offices an' post-offices, I says, 'we'll give him a good job as a letter-carrier, I says, 'where he won't have annything to do, I says, 'but walk, I says.
I see a pitcher iv wan th' other day with nawthin' on her but a basket of cocoanuts an' a hoop-skirt. They're no prudes. We import juke, hemp, cigar wrappers, sugar, an' fairy tales fr'm th' Ph'lippeens, an' export six-inch shells an' th' like. Iv late th' Ph'lippeens has awaked to th' fact that they're behind th' times, an' has received much American amminition in their midst.
'Because, says I, 'th' people out there is f'r holdin' th' Ph'lippeens, says I. 'What th' divvle ar-re th' Ph'lippeens? says he. 'Is it a festival, says he, 'or a dhrink? he says. 'Faith, 'tis small wondher ye don't know, says I, 'f'r 'tis mesilf was weak on it a year ago, I says. 'Th' Ph'lippeens is an issue, says I, 'an' islands, says I, 'an' a public nuisance, I says.
Napolyeon Bonyparte, th' Impror iv th' Fr-rinch, had manny carryin's on, I've heerd tell; an' ivry man knows that, whin Jawn Sullivan wasn't in th' r-ring, he was no incyclopedja f'r intelligence. No wan thried to kiss him, though. They knew betther. "An' Hobson 'll larn. He's young yet, th' Loot is; an' he's goin' out to th' Ph'lippeens to wurruk f'r Cousin George.
Th' next month some iv th' subjects iv our life-long frind an' ally were shot while hookin' seals fr'm our side iv th' Passyfic. Next week a prom'nent Jap'nese statesman was discovered payin' a socyal visit to th' Ph'lippeens. He had with him at th' time two cameras, a couple iv line men, surveyin' tools, a thousand feet iv tape line, an' a bag iv dinnymite bombs.
"They cudden't stand up befure a gr-reat, sthrong nation like ours." "We think we're gr-reat an' sthrong," said Mr. Dooley. "But maybe we on'y look fat to thim. Annyhow, we might roll on thim. Wudden't it be th' grand thing, though, if they licked us an' we signed a threaty iv peace with thim an' with tears iv humilyation in our eyes handed thim th' Ph'lippeens!"
They say th' Spanyards is all tore up about it. "I larned all this fr'm th' papers, an' I know 'tis sthraight. An' yet, Hinnissy, I dinnaw what to do about th' Ph'lippeens. An' I'm all alone in th' wurruld. Ivrybody else has made up his mind. Ye ask anny con-ducthor on Ar-rchy R-road, an' he'll tell ye.
"Whin we plant what Hogan calls th' starry banner iv Freedom in th' Ph'lippeens," said Mr. Dooley, "an' give th' sacred blessin' iv liberty to the poor, down-trodden people iv thim unfortunate isles, dam thim! we'll larn thim a lesson." "Sure," said Mr. Hennessy, sadly, "we have a thing or two to larn oursilves." "But it isn't f'r thim to larn us," said Mr. Dooley.
I dinnaw why it was, whether it was th' influence iv our new citizens in Cubia an' th' Ph'lippeens or what it was, but annyhow th' on'y news that come out iv Kentucky was as peaceful, Hinnissy, as th' rayports iv a bloody battle in South Africa.
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