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BURGE-LUBIN. Confucius: once for all, I object to this Chinese habit of describing white men as barbarians. BURGE-LUBIN. Not at all. The Americans are barbarians. But we are not. I suppose the particular barbarian you are speaking of is the American who has invented a means of breathing under water. CONFUCIUS. He says he has invented such a method.
Why not run over and join me for the afternoon? I am disposed to be approachable at last. BURGE-LUBIN. But Fishguard! Two hundred and seventy miles! THE NEGRESS. There is a lightning express on the Irish Air Service at half-past sixteen. They will drop you by a parachute in the bay. The dip will do you good. I will pick you up and dry you and give you a first-rate time. BURGE-LUBIN. Delightful.
Accordingly, you imported educated negresses and Chinese to govern you. Since then you have done very well. BURGE-LUBIN. So have you, you old humbug. All the same, I don't know how you stand the work you do. You seem to me positively to like public business. Why wont you let me take you down to the coast some week-end and teach you marine golf? CONFUCIUS. It does not interest me.
BURGE-LUBIN. Thank you for a handsome compliment. I have a big dog; and he is the best fellow I know. What would you recommend me to do with myself? CONFUCIUS. Give yourself up to contemplation; and great thoughts will come to you. BURGE-LUBIN. Will they? If you think I am going to sit here on a fine day like this with my legs crossed waiting for great thoughts, you exaggerate my taste for them.
I am sure your good sense will tell you that this alters the case. Pray don't risk your precious, life on my account. Sorry for troubling you. Say I want to see him again, just for a moment. CONFUCIUS'S VOICE. Is the woman gone? BURGE-LUBIN. Yes, yes: it's all right. The Irish Air Service can drop me in the bay by parachute. I suppose it's quite safe, isnt it? CONFUCIUS. Nothing is quite safe.
BARNABAS. I don't care two straws what it says about it. Does it say anything about me? BURGE-LUBIN. Yes. BARNABAS. Oh, does it? What?
Suppose a man, instead of conforming to the official estimate of his expectation of life, were to live for more than two centuries and a half, would the Accountant General be justified in calling him a thief? CONFUCIUS. No. He would be justified in calling him a liar. THE ARCHBISHOP. I think not, Mr Chief Secretary. What do you suppose my age is? CONFUCIUS. Fifty. BURGE-LUBIN. You don't look it.
THE NEGRESS. Stupid of me. I was talking to another lady this morning; and I left the peg in. BURGE-LUBIN. But I am so sorry. It was my fault. THE NEGRESS. Your delicacy is very touching, Mr President. It would be funny if it were not so unpleasant, because, like all white delicacy, it is in the wrong place. How do you think this suits my complexion?
I have been very lonely sometimes. If I may say so, a lady of your attractions need never have been lonely. MRS LUTESTRING. Why? BURGE-LUBIN. Why! THE ARCHBISHOP. He means that you might have married. Curious, how little they understand our position. MRS LUTESTRING. I did marry. I married again on my hundred and first birthday. But of course I had to marry an elderly man: a man over sixty.
BARNABAS. Stuff! How can that be? CONFUCIUS. At what age do your people begin to work for the community? BURGE-LUBIN. Three. They do certain things every day when they are three. Just to break them in, you know. But they become self-supporting, or nearly so, at thirteen. CONFUCIUS. And at what age do they retire? BARNABAS. Forty-three.
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