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All work and no play gathers no moss," remarked Mr. John Clemm. "You're a comical fellow, Mr. Clemm. I'd just love to go out to-night, as you suggest. And if you've got a gent acquaintance who is like you, I have the swellest little lady friend you ever seen. Her name is Clarice, and she is a manicure girl at the Astor. We might have a foursome, you know."
The committee went into executive session for five minutes, and on their return informed Charon that in behalf of the Associated Shades they accepted his offer. "In behalf of what?" the old man asked. "The Associated Shades," said Sir Walter. "The swellest organization in Hades, whose new house-boat you are now on board of. When shall you be ready to begin work?"
"The sun's rather strong down here, Helena, and if you're not careful you'll scorch your neck with those burning-glasses you've got in your ears." "Don't I look nice?" demanded Helena, with a pout. "You bet you do!" said Madison earnestly. "You've got the swellest thing on Broadway beaten from Forty-Second Street to the Battery. Now, here you are" they had halted before the Patriarch.
Kelly went with a peach of a girl in the years gone by—swellest little kid—gee! he respected that girl—never laid hands on her. She wanted to go back to the old country for a visit, so he paid her way there and back—one hundred and sixty-five dollars it had cost him.
"Queer little gink," the press-agent reflected, as he returned to the front of the house. "I wish he wore stiff collars; I'd like to take him home for dinner." As Pope passed out through the stage door the Judge called hoarsely after him: "You'll keep your eye skinned for a job for Lottie, won't you? Remember, the swellest legs in burlesque."
"It's got it beat a mile!" Willie flashed back, harshly. "Here you!" exclaimed Stover, "no arguments. We all have our favorites, and it ain't up to no individual to force his likes and dislikes down no other feller's throat." The two men he addressed mounted their broncos stiffly. "I repeat," said Willie: "The Holy City, as sung by Mrs. Melby, is the swellest tune that ever hit these parts."
"Oh yes; that's what they all say! But I notice that Hitchcock and George M. Cohan go on drawing big audiences every night yes, and the swellest, best-dressed, smartest people in New York and Brooklyn, too it's in the gallery at the opera that you find all these Wops and Swedes and Lord knows what-all.
The generalisations made in travellers' books about the hotels of America seem to me as fallacious as most of the generalisations about this chameleon among nations. Some of the American hotels I stayed at were about the best of their kind in the world, others about the worst, others again about half-way between these extremes. On the whole, I liked the so-called "American system" of an inclusive price by the day, covering everything except such purely voluntary extras as wine; and it seems to me that an ideal hotel on this system would leave very little to wish for. The large American way of looking at things makes a man prefer to give twenty shillings per day for all he needs and consumes rather than be bothered with a bill for sixteen to seventeen shillings, including such items (not disdained even by the swellest European hotels) as one penny for stationery or a shilling for lights. The weak points of the system as at present carried on are its needless expense owing to the wasteful profusion of the management, the tendency to have cast-iron rules for the hours within which a guest is permitted to be hungry, the refusal to make any allowance for absence from meals, and the general preference for quantity over quality. It is also a pity that baths are looked upon as a luxury of the rich and figure as an expensive extra; it is seldom that a hotel bath can be obtained for less than two shillings. There would seem, however, to be no reason why the continental table d'hôte system should not be combined with the American plan. The bills of fare at present offered by large American hotels, with lists of fifty to one hundred different dishes to choose from, are simply silly, and mark, as compared with the table d'hôte of, say, a good Parisian hotel, a barbaric failure to understand the kind of meal a lady or gentleman should want. To prepare five times the quantity that will be called for or consumed is to confess a lack of all artistic perception of the relations of means and end. The man who gloats over a list of fifty possible dishes is not at all the kind of customer who deserves encouragement. The service would also be improved if the waiters had not to carry in their heads the heterogeneous orders of six or eight people, each selecting a dozen different meats, vegetables, and condiments. The European or
The Bucknors live at Buck Hill and are about the swellest folk in Kentucky. The Bucks live in a little place this side of Buck Hill. There's nobody left but this Judy gal and her mother. I reckon their place would have gone for debt if it hadn't so happened that the trolley line from Louisville cut through it and they sold the right of way for enough to lift the mortgage.
But you know, says I, 'that this is one of the swellest hotels in the city. And you know pardon me that it's hard to get a bunch of notables together unless you've trained for it. "'Don't fret about that, child, says Aunt Maggie. 'I don't send out invitations I issue orders.
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