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She longed to be carried out of herself on a wave of rapturous assent, but something seemed to hold her back, some seed of discontent with the man's environment and circumstances, some germ of longing for a gayer, brighter, more varied life. No amount of self-searching or argument could change the situation.
"I must go back," she thought, "to the Castle of Content, where my dear father would fain have his child again. And yet I dread to go back with my errand undone, my quest unrewarded. "What is it," thought Elaine, in sudden self-searching, "that I seek? What must this man be, to whom I would surrender the keeping of my heart? What do I ask that is so hard to find? "Am I seeking for a god?
"I am as well prepared to study theology as if I had been aiming at it all my life; but I might take up engineering or medicine as well as that. About a year ago, I decided to become a minister." "And what led you to do that?" demanded the old gentleman, with rather a stern frown. He did not like the idea of approaching religion in other than a reverent and self-searching attitude.
Nothing passed between them which could recall their last day together, nothing beyond that one exclamation of Egremont's, which Annabel hardly appeared to notice. Neither desired to prolong the conversation. Yet neither had ever more desired heart-sympathy than now. Annabel said to herself: 'It is over. She was spared anxious self-searching.
Do not, therefore, deceive yourselves, and offer false coin, where the purest you can present is but as dross think not that such will pass the assay of Omnipotent Wisdom. Yet shrink not from the task, because, as is my bounden duty, I do not disguise from you its difficulties. Self-searching can do much Meditation can do much Grace can do all."
It had now become possible for me to observe them almost constantly, the effort necessary to visit them had so greatly diminished; so that I watched her, poor, anguished girl, prepare to leave him. I saw each reluctant movement that she made. I saw her eyes, worn from self-searching; I heard her step grown timid from inexplicable fears; I entered her very heart and heard its pitiful, wild beating.
In such hours of self-searching she was ready enough to acknowledge her own mistakes, but they exasperated her less than the blunders of her parents. She was sure, for instance, that she was on what Mrs. Heeny called "the right tack" at last: yet just at the moment when her luck seemed about to turn she was to be thwarted by her father's stupid obstinacy about the opera-box...
His life, indeed, was one of debate postponed. As the realm of science extended, as his intercourse with men who frankly avowed their 'infidelity' grew more frequent, he ever and again said to himself that, one of these days, he must sit down and 'have it out' in a solemn self-searching. But for the most part he got on very well amid his inconsistencies.
Similarly the great Gallehault, which is the word of all the world, whispers unthinkable and tragic possibilities to the poetic and self-searching mind of Ernesto. He resolves to seek release in Argentina. But before he can sail away, he overhears, in a fashionable cafe, a remark which casts a slur on Teodora, and strikes the speaker of the insult in the face.
Now, if ever, she had need of self-searching of courage and enterprise. And all at once she found that, despite everything, she was only a woman. Her passion spent, she felt a desperate need of a man's strength, advice, support. In disarray she sat there, striving to collect her reason. Her robe was torn, and her loosened hair, escaping from its golden pins, cascaded all about her shoulders.
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