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We turned from the subject of revealed to that of natural religion; and we entered long and earnestly into that grandest of all earthly speculations, the metaphysical proofs of the immortality of the soul. Again the sentiments of Bezoni were opposed to mine. He was a believer in the dark doctrine which teaches that man is dust and that all things are forgotten in the grave.
It was at this time, and in the midst of my fiercest internal conflict, that the great Czar died, and I was suddenly recalled to Russia. "Now," I said, when I heard of my release, "now shall my wishes be fulfilled!" I sent to Bezoni. He came, but he refused, as indeed he had for some time done, to speak to me further upon the question which so wildly engrossed me.
We turned from the subject of revealed to that of natural religion; and we entered long and earnestly into that grandest of all earthly speculations, the metaphysical proofs of the immortality of the soul. Again the sentiments of Bezoni were opposed to mine. He was a believer in the dark doctrine which teaches that man is dust and that all things are forgotten in the grave.
I did not sleep nor even retire to bed. I laid my head upon my hands, and surrendered myself to turbulent yet intense reflection. Every man who has lived much in the world, and conversed with its various tribes, has, I fear, met with many who, on this momentous subject, profess the same tenets as Bezoni.
Even now I think I see the man as he sat before me, the light of the lamp falling on his high forehead and dark features; even now I think I hear his calm, low voice the silver voice of his country stealing to my heart, and withering the only pure and unsullied hope which I yet cherished there. Bezoni left me, unconscious of the anguish he bequeathed me, to think over all he had said.
Many a most wretched hour, many a pang of agony and despair, did those doctrines inflict upon myself; but I know that the intention of Bezoni was benevolence and that the practice of his life was virtue: and while my reason tells me that God will not punish the reluctant and involuntary error of one to whom all God's creatures were so dear, my religion bids me hope that I shall meet him in that world where no error is, and where the Great Spirit to whom all human passions are unknown avenges the momentary doubt of His justice by a proof of the infinity of His mercy.
So that at the time Bezoni knew me a certain indifference to perhaps arising from an ignorance of doctrinal points, rendered me little hurt by arguments against opinions which I embraced indeed, but with a lukewarm and imperfect affection.
"I forgive you," said I, when we parted, "I forgive you for all that you have cost me: I feel that the moment is now at hand when my faith shall frame a weapon wherewith to triumph over yours!" Father in Heaven! thanks be to Thee that my doubts were at last removed, and the cloud rolled away from my soul. Bezoni embraced me, and wept over me.
It was at this time, and in the midst of my fiercest internal conflict, that the great Czar died, and I was suddenly recalled to Russia. "Now," I said, when I heard of my release, "now shall my wishes be fulfilled!" I sent to Bezoni. He came, but he refused, as indeed he had for some time done, to speak to me further upon the question which so wildly engrossed me.
So that at the time Bezoni knew me a certain indifference to perhaps arising from an ignorance of doctrinal points, rendered me little hurt by arguments against opinions which I embraced indeed, but with a lukewarm and imperfect affection.
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