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I think you must have been drunk it had a name like one of those spots that Uncle Joseph used to hold forth at, and it was all full of the most awful swipes about poetry and the use of the globes. It was the kind of thing that nobody could read out of a lunatic asylum. The Athæneum, that was the name! Golly, what a paper!" "Athenæum, you mean," said Morris.
"It's early, and too nice a night to go to bed. Let's take in a show." "I've got some boning to do," returned Frank, with a sigh. "And I ought to plug away at my Latin," added Chet, with another sigh. "Say, but you fellows are the greasy grinds!" objected Harry. "Why don't you take a day off once in a while?" "It's easy enough for you, Swipes; Latin comes natural to you!" exclaimed Tom.
"It was all your fault in the beginning, and you're drunk." "No such thing! I couldn't haul a whole bunch of girls up here alone, could I, if I'm drunk! Could I, now? I wish there wasn't any such a being in the world as a woman.... They bring heaps of trouble on us poor men." Saying this, Swipes tumbled into bed, and sank into a stupor.
We didn't feel like showing any mercy after that. Besides, they have no sense of fair play, the swipes.
Swipes, the head gardener for so many years, held an estate of freehold in the garden although he had no head, and would never be a gardener, till the hanging gardens of Babylon should be hung on the top of the tower of Babel with a vested remainder to his son, and a contingent one to all descendants.
Only you leave it to me, she says, 'and if I don't keep the key from that old thief excoose me, Mr. Swipes, for her shocking language 'and find out what he locks up in there, my name's not Horatia Dorothy Darling. Oh, don't let it dwell so on your mind, Mr. Swipes! You know what young ladies be. They says things random, and then goes away and never thinks no more about it.
"Ah! ma'am, it have right to be a good deal wuss than that," the chivalrous Swipes made answer, with the scythe beside his ear. "It don't consarn what the masters say, though enough to take one's legs off. But the ladies, Mrs. Cloam, the ladies it's them as takes our heads off." "Go 'long with you, Mr. Swipes! You are so disastrous at turning things.
The other drivers, their chins apprehensively over their shoulders, took to the inner oval of the course or to the side lines. Todd, "Maria M.," and Hector were, by general impulse, allowed to become the whole show. When the mare came under the wire the first time two swipes attempted to stop her by the usual method of suddenly stretching a blanket before her. She spread her legs and squatted.
"Well, you see," explained Dan, "there is a comic opera playing here. This afternoon, Swipes, Shorts and Spuddy took some of the chorus girls to the house, when the other fellows were away. They might have known the officers would have found it out. Sure enough, they did! The little rascals were all drunk on champagne, and the girls had to be sent to their hotels in carriages.
"You'll be caught, Muster Shackleforth, if you keep your shoulder up like that," says the umpire. "Ya-a-ps! that's worse!" forgetting himself in his zeal for attitude. And then a voice cries "Play!" The vicar swipes wildly, cuts the ball for two, and returns to his wicket breathless but triumphant. Next comes a bye, and then over.
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