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BURGE-LUBIN. What possible objection can there be to their living as long as they can? It does not shorten our lives, does it? BARNABAS. If I have to die when I am seventy-eight, I don't see why another man should be privileged to live to be two hundred and seventy-eight. It does shorten my life, relatively. It makes us ridiculous. If they grew to be twelve feet high they would make us all dwarfs.
MRS LUTESTRING. Mr President: have you ever tried to take advantage of the innocence of a little child for the gratification of your senses? BURGE-LUBIN. Good Heavens, madam, what do you take me for? What right have you to ask me such a question? MRS LUTESTRING. I am at present in my two hundred and seventy-fifth year.
BARNABAS. What reason can you give for killing a snake? Nature tells you to do it. BURGE-LUBIN. My dear Barnabas, you are out of your mind. BARNABAS. Havnt you said that once too often already this morning? BURGE-LUBIN. I don't believe you will carry a single soul with you. BARNABAS. I understand. I know you. You think you are one of them. CONFUCIUS. Mr Accountant General: you may be one of them.
BURGE-LUBIN. Do you mean to say, Mrs Lutestring, that you regard me as a child? MRS LUTESTRING. Do you expect me to regard you as a completed soul? Oh, you may well be afraid of me.
THE ARCHBISHOP. Yes. BURGE-LUBIN. But they found Dickenson's body: its ashes are buried in St Paul's. THE ARCHBISHOP. They almost always found the body. During the bathing season there are plenty of bodies. I have been cremated again and again.
This American has invented a method of breathing under water. BARNABAS. What do I care? I don't want to breathe under water. BURGE-LUBIN. You may, my dear Barnabas, at any time. You know you never look where you are going when you are immersed in your calculations. Some day you will walk into the Serpentine. This man's invention may save your life.
BURGE-LUBIN. It points out that an extraordinary number of first-rate persons like you and me have died by drowning during the last two centuries, and that when this invention of breathing under water takes effect, your estimate of the average duration of human life will be upset. Gracious Heavens! Does the fool realize what that means? Do you realize what that means?
BARNABAS. No: he has been drowned. BURGE-LUBIN. Good God! Where? When? How? Poor fellow! BARNABAS. Poor fellow! Poor thief! Poor swindler! Poor robber of his country's Exchequer! Poor fellow indeed! Wait til I catch him. BURGE-LUBIN. How can you catch him when he is dead? Youre mad. BARNABAS. Dead! Who said he was dead? BURGE-LUBIN. You did. Drowned.
He does not look a day over fifty, and is very well preserved even at that; but his boyishness of manner is quite gone: he now has complete authority and self-possession: in fact the President is a little afraid of him; and it seems quite natural and inevitable that he should speak fast. THE ARCHBISHOP. Good day, Mr President. BURGE-LUBIN. Good day, Mr Archbishop. Be seated.
CONFUCIUS. Surely. Nobody likes me: I am held in awe. Capable persons are never liked. I am not likeable; but I am indispensable. BURGE-LUBIN. Oh, cheer up, old man: theres nothing so disagreeable about you as all that. I don't dislike you; and if you think I'm afraid of you, you jolly well don't know Burge-Lubin: thats all. CONFUCIUS. You are brave: yes. It is a form of stupidity.
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