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He payed many thousands of dollars, for instance, for promotional photographs featuring a back-lit aura. And he persuaded thousands in the two years since the Stelazine experiment that he was a living legend, a rare presence, and a direct line to God. "We normally meditate on our own for forty minutes in the morning, fifteen minutes at noon, and fifty minutes in the evening.
Other reasons why I had felt compelled to take the Stelazine slowly dawned. I realized that Atmananda's senatorial countenance, his smooth, commanding voice, and his Ph.D. contributed to an aura of authority which I had found difficult to dispute.
Here was Atmananda telling me that he was a professional, that I was extremely sick, and that he was going to help me. Here he was telling me to swallow my pride. And here he was telling me to swallow the Stelazine. Cars zoomed by now and then, dispelling apparitions of my former mentor.
I pictured Rama shouting "Fess up!"; announcing his name change; telling me to swallow the Stelazine; bursting into my room on the night that I wanted to leave... I walked briskly back to the condo and knocked on Rama's door. "Things don't feel right," I told him. "I think I need to take some time off." "You have to do what is right for you," he replied. I wanted to make a clean break.
"I don't perform miracles to show off my powers, but to expand your view of reality. If my students can accept that I disappear, just imagine what they will be capable of." Though I was learning to fly on my wings of perception, and though in the months after the Stelazine trip I continued to deeply suppress part of my rational side, I never fully accepted Rama's world in its entirety.
You did not take my warnings about the Forces seriously. You opened up your consciousness to them, and now you are paying the price." I nodded again. "Of course, there is still hope. But you've got to stop fighting me. You've got to act *now*." He instructed me to take the drug. I had no premonition as I swallowed the Stelazine that Atmananda would later call me his "chemical experiment."
"Western doctors don't really understand mental illness. It is a form of possession. Stelazine blocks out the lower occult worlds, which are inhabited by the Negative Forces." I nodded. My doubts remained submerged. "We are not about to desert you. But you have to understand that you *are* mentally ill. All along, you thought that this was some kind of game.
As I meditated on Atmananda's possible motives, I swatted mosquitos and picked at scabs of aging stings. I did not yet know that he had given Stelazine to at least one other inner circle follower. I tried to remember how I had felt during the Stelazine experiment. I recalled feeling dizzy. I also recalled feeling at peace with myself.
I did not doubt the images cast on the back of my eyes by my brain. Nor did I doubt Atmananda. In the months after the week-and-a-half-long Stelazine experiment, the doubts and the conflict had vanished. I was reluctant to speak because my vision had been so subtle, so fleeting.
He said that he was going to help me. "Have you ever heard of Stelazine?" he asked. "No." "Stelazine is a drug that helps people who suffer from mental illness or depression. With the advent of drugs such as this, people who would otherwise be dysfunctional can lead happy and normal lives." I had a flash of fear. I glanced at the door.
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