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We imagine that to forget Him leaves us undisturbed in following aims disapproved by Him, and we spend effort to secure that false peace by fierce absorption in other pursuits, and impatient shaking off of all that might wake our sleeping consciousness of Him. But what unconscious self-murder that is, which we take such pains to achieve!
He makes no conscience of anything but parting with his money, which is no better than a separation of soul and body to him, and he believes it to be as bad as self-murder if he should do it wilfully; for the price of the weapon with which a man is killed is always esteemed a very considerable circumstance, and next to not having the fear of God before his eyes.
He pitied my state, so much, indeed, he said, that he offered to supply me with a drug that, if I were willing to take it, would make an end of me painlessly. Now I understood at once that Irene desired my death, and, fearing to cause it, set the means of self-murder within my reach. I thanked the man and begged him to give me the drug, which he did, whereon I hid it away in my garments.
If I had paid this visit, as I might have done, a week sooner, loving Lucie would have confided in me, and I would have prevented that self-murder. If I had acted with her as with Nanette and Marton, she would not have been left by me in that state of ardent excitement which must have proved the principal cause of her fault, and she would not have fallen a prey to that scoundrel.
We tried to show him the inconsistency of praying to God to protect us or grant us means of escape, and then refuse to accept a rescue sent to us in our last extremity. We argued that it was surely better to live and work for Jesus than to die as a self-made martyr, who, in God's sight, was guilty of self-murder. His wife wept aloud and pleaded with him, but all in vain!
But late as it was and short the time left him, he got the house in hand again, again wove his charm, and sent the people away sick and shuddering over his too real self-murder.
'I want to go out alone, said David, his lips shaking. 'Why do you interfere with me? 'Because and the short figure drew itself up, the minister's voice took a stern deep note, 'because when a man has once contemplated the sin of self-murder, those about him have no right to behave as though he were still like other innocent and happy people!
"Nay, Mother, I may not, for it would be self-murder, and my faith knows few greater crimes." "Then thou must wait till death finds thee, and that road may be very long." "Already it is long, Mother, so long that I know not how to travel it, who am alone in the world without a friend save Noie here," and she began to weep. "Not so.
As it often drives people to distraction, and self-murder, it can hardly be over-acted by one who would represent it.
Now paint to yourself a desperate miscreant on the point of committing self-murder, trembling with anxiety, choking for want of utterance, &c. Having formed the portrait to your own taste, I must tell you that there was no such figure. The salutations, on meeting, passed as usual.
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